In fact, Kate had nearly nodded off entirely when she heard Alexis’ voice.  It sounded suspiciously like a cheerful ‘Hi Kate!’ but that couldn’t be right – it was two in the afternoon.  Alexis still had class and, barring a family emergency, Alexis would never skip class.

Kate’s eyes snapped open in realisation and her body tensed, ready to act, and she pinned Alexis with a serious stare.  “What’s wrong, Alexis?”

Alexis flinched back and adjusted the strap on her book bag.  “No-nothing?”

“Why aren’t you in class?” Kate asked, her stare softening a fraction.

“Because class is finished for the day?” Alexis said as if she were talking to her dad on one of his more thick-headed days.  Kate frowned – she didn’t like being on the receiving end of Alexis’ ‘are you dense?’ tone and she would be embarrassed to admit how many times she had had it levelled at her.

“It is?  But it’s,” Kate flicked her gaze, and her mouse, to the monitor, “…oh.  Four o’clock.  Apparently.  Sorry Alexis, I thought it was a lot earlier.”

Alexis grinned.  “Dad does the same thing, except I usually catch him writing at six in the morning under the impression that it was just past midnight.”

Kate laughed.  “I guess there’s one thing cops and writers have in common – strange hours.  So what brings you here?  If you were looking for your dad, he’s off on a coffee run.”

“In this heat?  I’m impressed – how did you convince him to leave the Precinct?”

“We drew straws.  Castle picked the short one.”  Kate’s smirk was devious and wiggled a little in her seat.  Alexis raised her eyebrows.

“Let me guess, Dad went first and all the straws just happened to be short.”

Kate’s grin widened.  “Perhaps.  Pull up a seat – Castle shouldn’t be too much longer.”

Alexis dropped down into Castle’s usual chair and pulled her bag onto her lap.  “Actually, I’m not here to talk to Dad; I was wondering if I could talk to you sometime?”

“Of course.  Wanna go grab some coffee now?” Kate asked.  “Clearly I need some.   And, either way, I also clearly need a break.”

“No, that’s alright.  I’d rather not risk running into my dad,” Alexis shrugged.  “I’m just wondering about a summer job, that’s all.”

“Got any ideas on what you want to do?” Kate asked, and then laughed.  “Then again, you probably have prospective employers lined up or you wouldn’t be talking to me, would you?”

Alexis blushed and looked away.  “Yeah….”

Kate leaned forward and looked up at Alexis.  “Hey, hey!  That’s perfectly alright, Alexis.  I’m the same way – there’s no point talking about something—”

“—Unless you’re reasonably certain it won’t fall through,” Alexis finished and Kate grinned.

“Exactly.  So what’s the plan?”

“Well, I was out shopping with Rina on Wednesday and we ran into her boss.  He took one look at me and started gushing about how I was the perfect model for one of his dresses and he offered me a job.  Rina thinks I should take it, Gram says that models have no talent, but if I want to, I should do it and Paige thinks that models are brainless morons and that I don’t need a job anyway because my dad’s rich.” Alexis said in a rush.

Ryan and Esposito, already casually eavesdropping on the conversation, glanced at each other and synchronously rolled towards Beckett’s desk.

“So now I don’t know what to do and I was hoping that you could help.”

“Modelling, huh?”  Ryan said, smirking at Beckett.  Kate glared at the duo warningly.  Predictably, they ignored her.

“Well, you certainly came to the right person for advice, isn’t that right Beckett?”  Esposito had an identical shit eating grin on his face.  Alexis raised an eyebrow and silently prompted Esposito to continue.

“Freaky how she does that,” Ryan muttered as an aside.

“You see, Little Castle, Detective Beckett here was a model once,” Esposito’s grin widened as he ducked to avoid the pen his boss threw at his head.

“When I was seventeen! And what part of ‘don’t tell Castle’ didn’t you understand?”  Beckett hissed.

“Ohhhh!  You meant all of the Castles?” Ryan said.

“Could we tell Mrs R. then?” Esposito grinned and failed to duck this time and Kate’s pen hit in square in the forehead.  “Ow!”

“Scat, you two!  Don’t you have paperwork to file?”  Beckett made shooing motions with her hands and the boys rolled off, bickering.

“Hey bro, is there pen on my head?”

“I dunno man, hold still and I’ll see!”

“Well?”

“I think so—”

There was a smack and a slight yelp of pain.

“Get your hand out of my face, Honeymilk!”

“Are you ever going to stop calling me that?  It’s been years, man!”

Kate rested her cheek on one hand and smirked sideways at Alexis.  “One thing about this job is that it’s never boring.  As for the modelling… if you want to do it, go for it.  Despite it all, I’d really regret not having modelled; it’s a bit embarrassing in hindsight, yes, but better that than spent the rest of my life wondering what I missed.  At the very least, knowledge is knowledge, wherever it came from.”

Alexis smiled and her blue eyes sparkled decisively.  “And it would only be for the summer – it’s not like I want to make a career out of modelling like Rina.  Not that I could; Dad is getting pretty weird about possible careers lately.  He doesn’t want me in a field where someone got killed on one of your cases.”

Kate rolled her eyes.  “How did I miss those conversations?  How many jobs are you down to?”

Alexis rolled her eyes back.  “One – veterinarian.”

Kate winced.  “Sorry, that one’s a no go – the guy we just caught worked at a vet clinic as a vet tech or something.”

Alexis rolled her eyes again.  “Well, I suppose now that everything has been eliminated I can threaten to bum off of him forever like Grams.”

“What’s this?” Castle said, carefully depositing his full load of coffee and assorted pastries onto Kate’s desk.  “My two favourite ladies are waiting for me?”

Kate smiled up at him fondly.  “No, I’m waiting for grande skim latte with two pumps sugar free vanilla.”

“Alas, they were out of bear claws, so I brought you a donut instead.  I hope this is acceptable?”  Castle presented the chocolate raspberry jelly donut with a flourish as Kate dug out her coffee from the tray.

Kate made a show of inspecting the donut and daintily plucked it from Castle’s hand.  She took a bite and winced as the raspberry jelly squirted out onto her hand.  Castle, laughing, swiped a bit of the jelly before it could slide off Kate’s hand and onto her paperwork, and suggestively licked it off his finger.  Kate rolled her eyes.  “Yes, Castle, the donut is indeed acceptable.”

Castle dimpled at her before turning to his daughter.  “So Alexis, what brings you to this fine establishment?”

“Just wanted to ask Kate for some advice,” Alexis said with a shrug and a smile.

“So, did the detective give good advice?”  Castle asked.

Alexis smiled.  “Yes, in fact she did, Father.”

“Of course.  When has Kate steered either of us wrong?”  Castle said with a dopey smile.  “Well, I guess there was that time with the – oh no, that’s wildly inappropriate.  Or the–”

“Castle,” Kate interrupted, “You’ve already used this joke.  Twice.  In the past week.”

“Fine,” Castle sighed melodramatically, “So what were you asking Kate about?”

“Oh, just about a summer job,” Alexis said.

“At the Precinct?  We could carpool!  Or, well, share a cab.”  Castle grinned.

“Sorry Dad, I was thinking about modelling.”  Alexis grinned at her father’s flabbergasted look.

“Modelling?”

“Yes Dad, modelling.  Rina’s boss wants me to work for him this summer.”

“But…!”

“Rick,” Kate interrupted gently, “It would just be for the summer.”

“Yeah, I guess…” Castle said, distracted by Ryan’s furtive ‘get over here’ motions.  “One sec; it looks like Ryan needs me for a minute.”  He ambled off towards the other two detectives and the three began speaking in hushed tones.  Esposito pointed something on his monitor and Castle’s eyes widened as he leaned in closer to the screen.

“Alexis,” Kate said, drawing Alexis’ attention away from her father.  “About what Paige said about you not having to work because your dad is rich?  Work anyway.  My parents had money too and I never had to worry about college funds or anything, but I found that I just felt better if I was providing for myself.”

Alexis just looked at Kate for several beats before smiling slightly.  “Yeah.”  She said.  “I think I’m the same way.”

Castle’s low whistle echoed throughout the still bullpen and Kate and Alexis returned their attention to the men.  “That had got to be one uncomfortable position to stand in – and who holds a tennis racket like that?”

Kate’s eyes widened.  “You didn’t!”  Her green eyes narrowed as she pushed herself up from behind the desk.

“Uh oh,” Ryan said.

“Scatter!”  Esposito commanded and the three men shot off in different directions.  But Kate was only interested in hunting down one man.  The man holding the flash drive.  The man who was going to be sleeping on the couch for the next few days.

“Richard Nathaniel Castle GIVE ME THAT FLASH DRIVE!” Kate yelled as Castle jumped between the closing doors of the elevator.  Karpowski just looked at Castle.  He smiled back widely.

Kate, seeing that the elevator had already left, skidded around the corner and wrenched open the door to the stairs and barrelled down them.

After a few moments of stillness, Montgomery stepped out of his office as Ryan and Esposito slunk out of the men’s washroom.  The three men gathered around the youngest Castle and stared at the elevator in amusement.

“We’re not going to see them for another hour, are we?”  Alexis asked after a long moment.  A chorus of nopes, uh uhs and yeah rights echoed from the bullpen.  “Thought so.  I think I’ll just take the subway home.”

Written mostly because I have a huge soft spot for mom!Beckett fics and because I’m currently on a quest to see how many Castle/Beckett fics I can write without them ever actually kissing.  I’m up to three (by a technicality).  And a half, if you count the half-finished fic languishing on my hard drive.

As ever, thanks is owed, and given, to the lovely Sarah/ObsidianJade for telling me that I forgot important words like ‘not’ and one of Alexis’ lines.  Without her, my stories would be even more nonsensical.

Nikki Heat smirked inwardly as she swept, fashionably late, into Rook’s magazine’s cocktail party.  The formfitting wine red dress, accented in gold, drew looks and the lithe, athletic form it cased kept the gazes on Nikki.  Despite all of the admiring stares, Nikki felt Rook’s eyes on her and she turned to face him with a saucy smile.  Rook’s Adam’s apple bobbed and he absently set his champagne glass on a nearby table.  The air between the two smouldered and the other partygoers unconsciously cleared a direct route to Nikki for Rook.

They stood facing each other, standing just a bit closer than polite society demands, and the tension crackled in the slight space between them.

Rook gave Nikki an appreciative once over (lingering on her cleavage, Nikki noted.  Not that she minded – if she hadn’t wanted him to get a good look, she would have worn a dress with a higher neckline) with a slightly lecherous smirk.  “You clean up well, Detective.”

Nikki gave Rook a once over of her own.  “And you need to shave, Rook.”

Rook ran his hand across his jaw.  “You think, Detective?”  He took half a step closer and pulled Nikki into his arms.  “Shall we dance?”

Nikki stepped out of his arms with a slight shove to Rook’s chest.  “We’re in the entryway, Rook.  And nobody is dancing.”

Undaunted, Rook placed Nikki’s arm through his.  “Then shall we relocate to the dance floor?”

Nikki rolled her eyes, “We’re at a cocktail party.  I want a cocktail.”

“The bar it is!” Rook swept Nikki off without a pause.  At the open bar, Rook was able to cut through the crowd with a smile and handful of humorous quips.  There was something to be said about being on the arm of a man who won two Pulitzers.  “Bubblies for me, sir, and the lady will have…?”

“A tequila sunrise.”

The bartender smiled and his eyes lingered a tad too long on Nikki’s cleavage.  Both Nikki and Rook frowned in response and Rook edged possessively closer to the detective.  Nikki’s frown deepened as she realised that, while she had no problem with Rook getting an eyeful, she genuinely didn’t like the idea of the bartender getting a good look as well.  Odd; she never had felt that way before – even when she’d tell men to keep their eyes up she’d be inwardly preening.  And Rook’s possessiveness.  Normally a move like that would guarantee a stiletto digging in the unfortunate man’s foot but Nikki felt herself almost leaning into his warmth.

Odd.

Fortunately, the bartender was quick with their drinks and Nikki didn’t have to contemplate her unexpected personality change as Rook had swept her off again.  Nikki didn’t mind that so much as Rook was making a direct line towards Roach – precisely the same direction she would have gone.

Conversation was brief, though, as both Raley and Ochoa were clearly more interested in the women and all four were aware that there was a small chance of any approaching for them with Nikki and Rook around.  Nikki may have been the boss and she may have been standing too close to Rook, but she was a beautiful woman that shared an obvious bond with the other two detectives.  And Rook?  Rook, intentionally or not, always stole the spotlight.

So Rook and Nikki drifted from group to group, rarely straying more than an arm’s length from each other, but generally standing just slightly too close together.  Another flute of champagne and a tequila sunrise passed and the time spent making small talk decreased as the tension and lust rose between Heat and Rook – the other partygoers were quick to excuse themselves from the uncomfortably exclusive atmosphere Nikki and Rook generated.

In a quiet moment amongst the boisterous chaos of a slightly drunk crowd of writers, editors, publishers, various other hanger-ons and their dates, Rook plucked Nikki’s nearly empty glass from her hand and set it on a nearby ledge.

“May I now have a dance?” Rook smiled, slightly hazily.  Nikki gave a languid smile back and swiped her glass off the ledge.  She downed the fiery remnants of drink and stepped closer to Rook.

“You may now,” Nikki said with a slight purr in her voice, “But no one else is dancing.”

Rook gave her a huge, boyish grin.  “Does it matter?” He asked, leading Nikki to an open spot perfect for dancing.  He pulled her into his arms and Nikki relaxed into him with a smile.

“I suppose not,” she admitted as they began to move softly to the music.

“So how shall we dance?  A waltz?”  Rook asked, leading them into a few steps of the waltz, “Or a foxtrot?”  He abruptly switched dances and Nikki moved with him fluidly.  “Or perhaps a tango?”  Rook spun Nikki out and reeled her back in with a flourish.  Nikki’s breath caught and her heart raced as Rook’s thigh slid between her own.  “I know!”  Rook exclaimed and drew back a bit from Nikki.  “The jitterbug!”  Rook switched perfectly into the dance and pulled a laughing Nikki along with him.  God it was fantastic – the band, noticing the dancing couple, also switched smoothly into a song perfect for the jitterbug – and Nikki had never laughed this hard whilst dancing and she had certainly never felt the room melt away to leave just her and her partner behind.  Dancing for fun and not a precursor to sex was something she hadn’t done for a long time.

A few brave couples ended up joining in on Nikki and Rook’s dance, including Ochoa and a lady he had skilfully charmed, and the band playing a more modern song next caused more people to join the impromptu dance floor.

“Well look at that,” Rook said with a smile as he pulled Nikki close to him, “We’re trendsetters.”  They started dancing again, too close together to fit a sheet of paper through, and Nikki knew that this dance was a precursor to sex.  But then Rook gave her a playful smile and a devilish wink and she realised that, with Rook, the jitterbug was as well.

The blood flowed headily throughout Nikki’s body as she swayed provocatively with Rook.  They lasted another dance, almost two, before Rook’s hand slid down to cup her nicely shaped (and firmly toned) ass and squeezed gently.  Nikki gasped and her back arched slightly, pushing her breasts into Rook’s chest and he smiled down at her, eyes dark with lust.  As Nikki smiled back up at him, she realised that she didn’t want to wait until they got to her apartment – she didn’t even want to wait until they got into a cab.  Her eyes took on a smoky darkness as she tugged Rook gently through the crowd.

They stumbled into a secluded corner and crashed together, lips moving fiercely and panting wetly between frantic kisses.  Rook’s hands were lifting up her dress and Nikki was making a mess out of his tie when she finally managed to pull back long enough to gasp a single word.

“Where?”  She asked, diving right back into their kiss.  Rook groaned and pulled back unwillingly.

“I know where a secondary coat closet is,” Rook mumbled between kisses.  “It won’t be in use – there aren’t enough people here tonight.”

“Great,” Nikki had finally managed to remove his tie and, at loss of where to put it, she shoved it in his jacket pocket, “Lead us there.”

Rook led Nikki stealthily, or as stealthily as they could manage (which wasn’t very – their disappearance and brief, dishevelled reappearance had attracted the attention of Raley, who wasn’t having as much luck with the ladies as either of his friends), and, laughing (Nikki refused to admit that she, quite possibly, was giggling), lurched into the fortunately unlocked, and unused, coat closet.

Unable to think of a way to keep the door closed, Rook pushed Nikki up against it and she pulled him forcibly down for another kiss.  Nikki’s hands made quick work of the buttons on his shirt, this time not daring to rip them off since they still had to leave the building with some semblance of normality, and she ran her hands appreciatively over Rook’s nicely defined chest.  Rook moaned and nipped sharply at Nikki’s neck as she brushed her thumb over one of his flat nipples.  Her hands trailed down his chest and her nails scratched at his stomach before undoing his fly and starting to push down his pants.

Rook gripped Nikki’s hips with both hands and hoisted her up against the door.  She swiftly wrapped her legs around Rook’s waist and gasped though when Rook pushed down her (thankfully braless) dress and closed a hot mouth over her nipple.

“God, Rook!” She gasped and she felt Rook’s mouth curve into a smug smile against her breast.  Nikki feverishly attempted to push his boxers down with her feet and, with little success, gripped the back of Rook’s jacket tightly.  Rook pushed Nikki’s dress up and his eyes widened when he unexpectedly didn’t come across something.

Nikki smirked slyly, “One can’t have panty lines in a dress like this.”

“Oh God,” Rook said and pulled her in for a searing kiss.

Nikki pulled back desperately, “Do you-”

“Jacket pocket.  The one without the tie.”  Despite their best efforts, and they did almost manage to at least remove his boxers, rolling the condom on was a task not suited for either of their current manual dexterity and Nikki was forced to drop to the floor as Rook hurriedly put it on.  Nikki was soon pushed up against the door with Rook pushing into her and both let out a sigh of sheer bliss.

Rook paused for a moment and smiled at Nikki, gently, almost chastely, kissing her.  After that kiss, it was fast and hot and explosive and everything that Nikki needed right then and it was a moment so close to perfect and she felt hot tears building in her eyes.  And Rook collapsed against her, burying his face between her shoulder and her neck and she heard her feet hit the floor but didn’t feel it, still too wrapped up in the man whose hair she was running through her fingers.

“Wow,” Rook finally said, mumbling into her shoulder.  He placed a gentle kiss there and pulled back to see Nikki’s face.

“Yeah,” Nikki agreed.  “Wow.”

“Do you want to go back to my apartment?” Rook asked after a long pause.

“Right now?” Nikki asked.

“Yeah,” Rook said.

“Okay,” Nikki agreed, pulling her dress reasonably into order.  She helped Rook do up the buttons on his shirt, stealing gentle kisses as she did up each one.  They both attempted to smooth down each other’s hair but chalking it up as an impossible task.

“We’ll just have to sneak out then,” Rook said, “And hope that nobody notices us.”  Nikki slowly opened the door and glanced into the hallway.

“Clear,” she murmured and Rook laughed.  “What?”

“Always a cop, aren’t you, Detective?”  Nikki swatted him playfully and Rook retaliated by pulling her flush to his side.  The two ambled along, Nikki cuddled up against his side, wrapped up in each other and forgetting to make a quick escape.  They rounded a corner and spotted a side door, and they smiled, thinking that they were home free.

No such luck.

“Well, well, well,” Raley’s voice drifted down the hall and the two whipped around to see him, and Ochoa (who had evidently decided that watching his boss sneak out of a party far more entertaining than the woman he was dancing with), walking their way towards Nikki and Rook.

“Leaving without saying goodbye,” Ochoa placed a hand melodramatically over his heart.  “I’m wounded, guys.”

“I’m sure you’ll get over it,” Nikki said, her sharp tone unwillingly softened by the blush staining her cheeks.

“And we are saying goodbye now,” Rook said, tightening his arm around Nikki’s waist and turning them around.

“You two have a good night,” Raley called to their backs.

“Don’t stay up too late – tomorrow’s a Wednesday!” Ochoa added.

“No, no, please do – I’d like to have a morning off,” Roach grinned as their boss, not turning around, flipped them the bird whilst exiting the building.

“C’mon,” Raley said to Ochoa, “Let’s get back to the party – now that Rook is gone, there’ll be more women out there for us.”

I was wrong.

Writing smutfic about a character who shares a name with you is way weirder.

Coincidently enough, this was written, primarily, between the hours of one and three am on Sunday night.

Thanks is owed, as always, to Sarah (ObsidianJade) who was quick to point out some rather… anatomically difficult tasks I had assigned Nikki and Rook as well as assuring me that I totally didn’t completely fail at my latest writing venture.  Sometimes even this arrogant scientist needs reassuring.

—

It was two am and Katherine Beckett could not sleep.  Not an uncommon occurrence – her all nighters spent staring at the murder board, followed by power naps in the break room, (and that time she broke into the Captain’s office and passed out on his much more comfortable couch) were a bit of a legend in the Twelfth Precinct.  But it wasn’t murder keeping Beckett awake that night.

No.

It was far more frustrating problem.  And it was all Castle’s fault.

The relaxing bubble bath with wine, scented candles and soft, ambient music, while perhaps a good idea for unwinding after a long day of paperwork with none of Castle’s antics, turned out to be not-so-relaxing when she hauled in her collection Richard Castle’s novels.  Even that, though, would not have been a problem if it wasn’t for the fact that the wine went straight to her head (or maybe a little farther south) and she started her own Castle smutathon.

And so, by the time the water cooled, Kate Beckett had spent over an hour in the bath reading in chronological order, of course, Castle’s twenty-six (seven, including Heat Wave) bestsellers (plus the ones that didn’t sell quite so well) purely for the sex scenes.

Yeah.

Bad idea.

Especially, Kate rolled over and groaned into her pillow, since I used to wear off this Castlelust by writing smutty Derrick Storm fic.

But, no, Kate Beckett was not going to lower herself to writing fanfiction for books written by a man she saw damn near every day.  It was bad enough knowing that she had written them in the past, and even posted them to the internet (on multiple sites, even!), but she was certainly not going to lower herself to writing them again.

Especially since, as soon as Castle started following her around, she had mass deleted all of the fanfiction she had ever written about his characters.  Sadly, her resolve had only lasted a week – she had caved to the online peer pressure and reposted all of the fics, mostly to prove that she wasn’t one of the fans who vowed to Never Read Richard Castle Again Since He Killed Off Derrick Storm.

End result?  She was still active in the Castle communities and had watched the explosion of fic that had followed the release of Heat Wave.  It was alarming.  People really liked the Nikki Heat character – there were, of course, the obligatory Nikki Heat bashfics (briiiiing Derrick Storm baaaack!), but overall, the authors seemed to revel in her literary alter ego.

Kate sighed and beat her fist into her pillow.  Clearly she wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight, and her friends had been clamouring for some Heat/Rook smut from her…  How hard could it be to write about Nikki Heat?  She knew as much, more even, about the character as Castle did.  And it wasn’t as if she couldn’t figure out Rook.

Oh, God.

She was not seriously considering writing for a ship that was, for all intents and purposes, her and Castle.

But Castle did, her traitorous mind pointed out.  He clearly has no problems with our alter egos getting it on.

Ultimately, that was what convinced Kate to boot up her laptop, pour herself another glass of wine and open Word.  She stared at the blank document, feeling more embarrassed than the first time she wrote a Castle smut fic – and that had been years upon years ago before there was even a hint of Derrick Storm on the horizon.  She took a large swallow of wine for fortification and, shuddering, she began to write.

Nikki Heat smirked inwardly as she swept, fashionably late, into Rook’s magazine’s cocktail party.  The formfitting wine red dress, accented in gold, drew looks and the lithe, athletic form it cased kept the gazes on Nikki.  Despite all of the admiring stares, Nikki felt Rook’s eyes on her and she turned to face him with a saucy smile.  Rook’s Adam’s apple bobbed and he absently set his champagne glass on a nearby table.  The air between the two smouldered and the other partygoers unconsciously cleared a direct route to Nikki for Rook….

–

“Good morning, Beckett!” Castle swivelled around in a chair – her chair – with a beatific grin on his face.  “Coffee?”

Kate growled faintly, accepted the coffee and glared, annoyed by Castle’s perpetual chair stealing.  Castle looked blankly up at her for a moment before the flash of understanding went across his face.  The man either never bothered to hide his emotions or had inherited more than his charm and flair from the dramatic from his mother.

Seemingly in response to her thoughts (perhaps he inherited the psychic powers as well?), Castle had leapt up and held out her chair in a gentlemanly manner.  With a small smile and a mostly feigned suspicious look, Beckett sank gracefully into her seat and Castle gallantly rolled her forward.  She raised an eyebrow at his antics and he just smiled and gave an extravagant bow.

“My, my Beckett, are those bags under your lovely eyes?  Were you up all night?  Was it murder?  I’m hurt – why didn’t you call me?” Castle’s shocked air turned lascivious and he leaned in, “Or was it a man?”

Beckett rolled her eyes.  “Hardly.”

Castle gasped, one hand flying to his heart.  “It was a woman!  Why didn’t you call me, Beckett?”

Beckett huffed, “Don’t flatter yourself, Castle.  What’s got you in such a good mood?”

“I woke up early this morning – really early – five am early – and I have finally managed to bypass Alexis’ parental controls on my–” Castle started.

“Ah!” Beckett held up a hand.  “I do not need to hear any more!”

“No, no,” Castle said, “You’ve got it all wrong – the parental controls weren’t for, uh, adult sites (why would I need those anyway?), they were for the Castle fansites.”

“The Castle fansites?” Beckett said blankly.

“Yes!  And in the year I’ve been away, there has been a veritable explosion of activity!  My favourite author–”

“Favourite author?”

“Of fanfiction.  It turns out that she had deleted all of her stories, but not because of the killing off Derrick Storm thing, and reposted it in the time I’ve been away.  She hadn’t written anything new, though, until just this morning (it was fate, I swear!) and, whew, let me tell you, that was one hot scene between Heat and Rook.”  Castle sighed happily.  “I really wish I could meet this woman.”

Kate Beckett just stared at him in horror.

—

A/N: My attempts at swearing off writing fanfiction never seem to succeed… which is insanely meta considering the subject matter of this fic.  So, yes, maybe Kate is a little too much like me but, hey, it’s crack!fic.

Unrelated, but awesome(ish) – this fic was the first fanfic posted publicly to Google Wave.  Go Castle fandom!

I blame my beta, Sarah (ObsidianJade), for this fic (even if it was an accidental self-prompt).  Somehow both of the fics I wrote in the past year are all her fault.

PS:  I now know how weird it is for people to write fic about characters who share their name.  I’m still not sure if I should be offended by Nikki Heat or not…

ObsidianJade adds:  I’ll happily take blame for this one, it’s hilarious.  I’d happily take blame for a multitude more of stories from Nikki, but she doesn’t co-operate!

Apparently, for Katryn, it did not.  That room would never be the same as it was before the fire damage.

The rest of the week passed in much the same fashion – Katryn constantly overpowered her spells and blew things up (much to her delight, Poehr had given up on asking her to power down the magic once he realised she was doing it on purpose), Weorn got his ass handed to him in the practice yard, Lillian had moved on from healing paper cuts to mending broken bones and deep gashes, Carson had managed to summon a small ferret (much to his everlasting horror – Katryn alternatively thought it was the cutest thing ever and the most hilarious thing she had ever seen.  She ended up keeping it as a pet.) and Cassandra had rapidly assimilated the lute and proved to Eilyn that she was perfectly capable of barding.  Eilyn, happy to get rid of a student (they rarely interested her for more than a week), passed Cassandra off to Silvanus.  Under Silvanus’ tutelage, Cassandra started pick pocketing with some additions of her own – she had discovered that music had its own kind of magic in this world and, if she hummed the right melody, she could keep people from noticing her existence.  Very useful for a thief.

By the end of the week, Viandir was ready to throw them out to the wolves, so to speak, so he gathered them together to explain their first quest.  Their reactions were not quite what he was hoping for.

“A sewer?” Katryn asked for everyone.  Even Rainier looked a little sick at the concept of sludging through a sewer.

“To kill rats?” Carson added.

“Giant rats,” Viandir clarified.

“Not as dangerous as dire rats,” Jerin added helpfully, “But still a menace.  They keep digging up the garbage and spreading it across the street.”

“We’re going to go kill rats,” Carson said.  “This sounds like a level one quest to me.”

“We’re doomed,” Cassandra said gloomily.  Silvanus said nothing, quite glad that he wouldn’t be coming along on that adventure.

“Silvanus will be with you too,” Viandir said, ignoring all of the complaints.  “Gear up.  You leave in half an hour.”

“Can I get clothes suited for trawling through the sewer?” Katryn asked hopefully.

“Your clothes are suited for that, Katryn,” Jerin said cheerfully, “Good luck!”

“We will be with you every step of the way,” Viandir assured them, “No harm shall befall you.”

“Yet,” Carson muttered grimly.

Half an hour later, they were teleported to the sewer system beneath the capital city of Reann.

“Oh god,” Cassandra gagged, “It smells worse than I had feared.”  Katryn was pawing through her spell book furiously.,

“There has got to be a spell in here somewhere that will remove the stink,” she muttered.  Poehr’s voice came out of thin air to chastise her.

“There is,” He said, “But you’re wasting time and energy trying to find it.  You should probably start by creating a light ball to guide your way – you’ll get used to the smell but it is always best to have the full range of your vision available to you.

“Speak for yourself,” Silvanus muttered, “I’m never going to get this stink out of my clothes.”

“I know,” Katryn said, “Isn’t it awesome?  The only good thing about this place.”  She finished off her calculation and inputted it into the staff.  A ball of light flared into existence and hovered a foot over her head.

“Does it move with you?” Carson asked curiously.

“Of course,” Katryn said, “It would be pretty useless if it did not.”

“Come on,” Rainier said, “Let’s go kill those rats so we can get back to the palace and take a long shower.”  With that, the six marched out into the tunnels where they quickly discover that the sewer was in flood mode and there were no pathways to walk on.

“This,” Cassandra said, “is so gross.”

“I hate getting my shoes wet,” Lillian grumbled.

“I’m looking for a water repellent spell, jeeze!” Katryn flipped the pages furiously.

“Don’t waste your energy with that, Katryn,” Poehr chided again, “You’ll get used to the water.”

Katryn ignored him and continued to flip through the book.  “Ah!  Found it!”

“Katryn!  Don’t cast that spell!” Poehr said frantically.

“Why not?” Katryn asked, already running the calculations.

“You overpower everything!  You’ll end up causing a massive backlash in our sewer system!” Poehr exclaimed.

“While that would be pretty awesome and probably solve the rat problem, I’m just going for a repellent shield of five centimetres from our clothes,” Katryn said calmly, “I overpower spells because I want to not because I lack control.”

“You have no experience with that please please please don’t cast that spell!” Poehr begged as Katryn finished her calculations and inputted the data into the staff.

“Too late,” Katryn said cheerfully.  The water whooshed gently from her clothing and sunk back into the river running over her boots.

“Oh god, we’re all going to die,” Poehr moaned.

“Oh relax,” Katryn scoffed, “It worked perfectly fine.”

“Do me next,” Lillian demanded, “You owe me for the corset.”

“One second – I have to adjust the numbers,” Katryn said.  It wasn’t long until all six members of the party were repelling water and trudging much more happily through the sewers.  “I wonder if I can find a spell to repel the air.”

“That,” Poehr said, “Is a very bad idea.  You’ll end up suffocating yourself.”

“Good point.  Maybe if I filter out just methane – that should cut down the stink some,” Katryn pondered, “Yes, I think that shou – “

“Shhh!” Rainier said, “I hear something.”

The six froze and listened carefully.

After a few moments, Lillian said softly, “I don’t hear anything.”

“Nor do I,” Carson hissed back.

“Shut up,” Silvanus said, “I hear something.”

“Good to see that those ridiculous ears are good for something,” Katryn snorted.  There was no lost love between Silvanus and the two adult women.  Both Katryn and Lillian could see that Silvanus was after something that Cassandra possessed and neither of them were too inclined to let him have it.

“I think,” Rainier said, “I hear rats.”

“Good,” Cassandra said, “Now we just have to kill them and we can go back to the palace, right?”

“Hopefully,” Carson said with a shrug, “I say we storm the room and start hacking at them.”

“Okay,” Rainier said, “One, only one of us is carrying a sword.  I’m certainly not killing them all.  Two, that is not a plan.  Katryn, prepare a spell to explode some rats, Carson, summon a cat or something – “

“Hello!  Giant rats?  I don’t think a housecat is going to cut it,” Carson said.

“Then a lion or a tiger or a bear,” Rainier rolled his eyes, “Just summon something.  Lillian, provide healing as necessary, Cassandra, use that lute to put them to sleep or something.  Silvanus… go bite them or something.”

“I am not biting a rat,” Silvanus huffed, “And I certainly am not going to fight something as ridiculous as a giant rat.”

“Too bad.  Katryn, are you ready?”  Rainier asked.

“Mmhmm.  Just have to insert the closing statement on the staff,” Katryn nodded absently.

“Carson?”

“Yeah yeah.  I’m not sure if I’ll get anything more menacing than a kitten, though.” Carson rolled his eyes.

“That’s alright,” Katryn said, “Pete will have a friend.”

“You told me that you didn’t watch sci-fi!” Carson exclaimed.

“I don’t,” Katryn sighed and rolled her eyes again.

“I’ll explain it later,” Cassandra said.  “We should probably go attack the rats before Rainier attacks us.”

“Thank god,” Rainier muttered, “I’m not interested in listening to yet another discussion about science fiction.”

“Amen to that,” Lillian replied.

“What?” Carson asked, “I don’t talk about science fiction THAT much!”

“You do,” Katryn, Lillian and Rainier all dead panned.

“I totally don’t,” He protested.

“You do.  Summon your cat,” Rainier said.

“No, wait, I want to ‘splode stuff first!” Katryn said and then rushed into the room cackling, “Ahahaha diiiieeee!”  There was a muffled thump followed by wet spattering noises and a disgusted yelp escaped Katryn’s mouth.  “Oh, ewwww!”

Lillian poked her head around into the room, “Is it safe?”

“Yes,” Katryn said, “Quite safe.  Just a little gory.”

The other five trouped in.

“Just a little?” Silvanus gagged.  The entire room was painted red with blood and internal organs were everywhere.  Katryn calmly flicked an intestine out of her hair.

“I think I’m going to have to modify the water repellent spell so that it forms a force field against guts as well as blood,” Katryn stated, “Also, it should protect my skin as well as my clothes from the carnage.”

“That is so gross,” Carson wrinkled his nose.

“Wow,” Cassandra said, “It’s like this room came directly out of a slasher film.”

“And that,” Poehr said, “Is why I told you to power down your spells.”

“Heeeell no,” Katryn said, “This is awesome!  I just spread Alan across the entire room!”

“Alan?” Lillian asked, too curious to let it go.

“An ex boyfriend.  A total douche,” Katryn shrugged.

“You named a group of rats after an ex boyfriend and then exploded them?” Carson asked, disgusted.

“Actually, it was one rat,” Katryn said calmly, “It was very therapeutic.  I suggest you try it on the next room.”

“I never realised that a rat contained that much guts,” Cassandra said in awe.

“Well, it was a giant rat after all,” Katryn shrugged.  “Next room?  I’ve still got this room loaded onto the staff.”

“Power it down already, Katryn!” Poehr said.

“No way – if I’m blowing things up, I’m blowing them up in the most spectacular of manners,” Katryn said stubbornly.

“Let’s just move onto the next room now, okay?” Rainier said with a sigh.

“Sure thing boss,” Katryn said cheekily.  She was disturbing cheerful for a girl covered in rat guts.  She casually cast the spell at the door to the next room, blowing it inside and crushing a few rats in its path.

“That’s nearly what happened to me the day after we got here,” Carson whispered loudly to Silvanus.

“Is she insane?” Silvanus asked in horror.

Katryn looked back and grinned, “Quite possibly.”  She looked into the room “Oh wow, that is a looot of rats.”  Carson looked in as well and gulped.

“And they don’t look happy.  I’m summoning my cat now!”  And, thus, Carson started the summoning spell.  Circular and hypnotic patterns began to glow in the ground below his feet and glittering light surrounded his form as he muttered in Latin.  After a final shouted phrase (Katryn thought that it might be a species name, but biology was never her strong suit), a large black panther leapt from Carson’s chest.

“Impressive,” Katryn said, pausing at exploding rats to watch the panther slash its way into the room.

“Thanks,” Carson said with a gasp, “Took a lot out of me, though.”  His face was a sickening green beneath his tan.  “I think I’m going to go sit down for a bit now.”

Katryn stopped casting altogether and started to input different numbers into the staff.  “Okay, you can go bash things with your sword now, Rainier.  I’m resetting the staff for more controlled bursts instead of my wide ranged killings.”

“Right,” Rainier said and then charged in.

“This,” Lillian said, staring at the blood stained Katryn and Rainier, who was getting almost as blood stained, “Is absolutely barbaric.”

“Okay mom, I’ll play a song to make it allll better,” Cassandra rolled her eyes.

“You do that,” Lillian rolled her eyes back, “I’m goin to treat Carson.”

“I,” Silvanus said, “Am going to remain out here.  No sense in destroying these clothes any further.”  He buffed his fingernails against his shirt nonchalantly.  Equally casually, Lilian shot a flicker of healing magic at the vampire.

“Ow!” Silvanus gasped, “Dammit, that hurts.”

“Shush,” Lillian said, “I am trying to concentrate.”

A minute later and yet another room was plastered in blood with no rats in sight apart from the few dead bodies Carson’s panther and Rainier killed.

“Next room?” Katryn asked.

“Carson?” Rainier called out, “You good for moving yet?”

“Yes, yes,” Carson said with a groan.  “I certainly can move one room over.”

“Excellent.”  Rainier said, “Katryn, would you do the honours of blowing the door open again?  It worked so well last time.”

“My pleasure,” Katryn grinned and dialled up the force push spell to eleven.  In a few seconds she had the door blown down and was cutting down the advance wave of rats with a grim, and bloody, efficiency.  Once the rats had slowed down enough for Katryn to pause a moment, she stopped casting and let the panther and Rainier cover her as she switched spells.

“I’m going to try a fireball spell now,” Katryn said cheerfully.  “I think I want my meat charred.”

“Will you stop with the corny lines already?” Carson groaned.

“Absolutely no way,” Katryn smiled and continued to punch numbers into her calculator.  “Got it!  And stand back – I’m not sure how crispy this is going to get.”

Rainier and the blood splattered panther backed away as Katryn unleashed a huge wave of flames from the staff.

“Oh wow,” Cassandra sang out, “You’ve totally made a flame thrower!”

“Dude,” Katryn asked, “Are you and Silvanus actually doing anything?”

“Silvanus isn’t, which is sad because he is such a good warrior, but he’s only conserving his strength so that when you guys falter he can save our asses.  I, however, am singing a soothing song to the rats.  Without it, we’d all likely be dead by now,” Cassandra somehow managed to sound soothing and huffy at the same time.

“Such modesty you possess,” Katryn rolled her eyes as she cleared out the rest of the room with a final blast of fire.  “Is everyone ready for the next room?”

“Just a moment,” Lillian said, “Rainier is bleeding – I’d like to take care of that first.”  Lillian gently rested her hand on top of Rainier’s bicep and closed her eyes in concentration.  A soft, warm glow spread from her fingertips and sunk into Rainier’s flesh, healing the ragged bite mark with only the slightest scar.  “I believe we’re ready to go, but I think maintaining the panther summon is costing Carson too much energy.”

“I’ll be fine for one more room,” Carson disagreed.  “After that I’ll let go of the summon – I should regain my energy then.

“What about Pete?”  Katryn asked.  “Is he taxing your reserves at all?”

“Ah, no,” Carson said, “Pete is a permanent summon – and supposed to be my familiar thank you very much – I expended all of my energy on him when I summoned him in the first place.  It doesn’t take any work to maintain the spell because there is nothing to maintain.”

“Makes sense,” Katryn said as she made the last changes to the calculation stored in the staff.  “We good to go yet?”

“Yeah, looks like it,” Cassandra said.  “Blow that door down!”

Katryn made the motion to cast the spell, but nothing but a loud bang and the door rattling on its hinges happened.

“That’s odd,” Katryn said, “I didn’t put the wrong numbers in.  Maybe the door is stronger.”  Katryn paused, amped up her spell and tried again.  Nothing happened at all.

“And that,” Poehr said, “Is why I told you not to cast the water repellent spell.  And why I told you not to overkill everything.”

“Oh shut up,” Katryn growled, “What’s the recharge time on this thing?”

“Longer than you’ll want to wait in the sewers,” Poehr said.  “There’s no way you guys will be able to take down the rats without Katryn – not without taking a lot of damage.  I’m pulling you out.”  The six were yanked from the sewers and into the palace with a sickening squelch.

“Ugh,” Carson said.  “I’ll never get used to that.  I think I’m going to be sick.”

“End your summon and you’ll be fine,” Jerin said, “And it was a very nice summon by the way.  Like Katryn, it was certainly on the overkill side of things, however.  You need to build up your strength and experience before attempting something like that again.”  Carson gladly ended his summon and immediately looked much improved.

“Ahh!  No!  I don’t want to be seen in public like this!” Carson yelped, arms flailing.

“Too bad,” Rainier said, “If the rest of us have to be in ridiculous outfits, so do you.”

“But you have paaaants!”

–

Rainier, Katryn and Carson were, in fact, the last to arrive.  Whilst Carson and Katryn were both convinced that they had the absolute worst costumes out of everyone (and they hadn’t even seen anyone else’s other than Rainier’s yet), Rainier insisted that they had got off lightly.  It turns out that leather pants, or at least his leather pants, weren’t all that comfortable.

Even after seeing the others in their group, Katryn and Carson still were in agreement – they had the worst costumes ever.  For one, Cassandra had pants.  Loose pants, even, and a loose, flowing shirt and soft shoes.  Lillian, while she was wearing a skirt as well, at least had pants underneath her dress/robes.  She also had a cloak thrown over her shoulders in a rather haphazard manner.

“Okay, seriously?” Katryn asked, “What the hell is up with my clothing?”

“They’re wonderful, Katryn,” Peohr said.  “Completely fitting for a sorcerer of your standing.”

“You can see my underwear!” Katryn exclaimed.

“Yes,” Peohr said, “Completely fitting.”

“Guh!  And there are no pockets in this thing!  I’m so not going to wander around carrying a staff, a textbook, a pencil and a calculator!  I can barely carry all of that!” Katryn waved her arms angrily.

“It’s true,” Carson said, “She cannot.”  He held up the textbook.  “And I’d rather not be a pack mule.”

“I’ll see about getting you a messenger bag, Katryn,” Viandir said consolingly.  “You’re all going to need bags anyway so that you can carry a change of clothing and rations.”

“Oh joys.  Do we have to bathe in rivers?” Cassandra groaned.

“Maybe sometimes,” Viandir said, “But as long as you make it to a village every night you should be fine.  Everyone will give you free room and board since you are The Heroes.”

“Sweet!” Carson said, “Free food!  I’m so in!”

“Men,” Katryn said, “Always thinking with their stomachs.  On that note, what’s for breakfast?”

“I have asked the kitchen to deliver food shortly to this room,” Viandir said, “In fact, they should be here at any moment.”

Everyone paused and looked at the door.  No one came in and it did not sound like anyone was coming.  Rainier looked out of the room curiously.

“There is nobody in sight,” He said sadly.  He was rather hungry as well, possibly because they forgot to eat supper the night before.

“Awww,” Carson said, “I’m so hungry.”

And then food, and a table with eleven chairs, appeared in the room.

“I was not expecting that,” Carson said.  Katryn made a beeline for the table and was rapidly filling a plate full of bacon (or, at least, something that looked like bacon), eggs, fruit and hash browns.

“What?” She asked everyone between mouthfuls, “I’m bloody well hungry – I haven’t ate since two in the afternoon yesterday.”

“And you said that men think with their stomachs,” Carson rolled his eyes as he loaded a ridiculous quantity of food onto his plate as well.

Katryn couldn’t reply – there was far too much food stuffed her in mouth.  The others all sat down and began filling their plates as well.  Lillian preferred the fruit and yogurt dishes, Rainier was eating a disgustingly large amount of bacon and Cassandra had a plate full of eggs of every kind.  Sunnyside up, over easy, scrambled, poached, hardboiled, soft boiled… you name, you it, she had it.

“Cassandra,” Lillian said, disproving, “You shouldn’t eat that many eggs.”

“I’m a growin’ girl, mom.  I need the protein.” Cassandra protested, shovelling the sunny side up egg into her mouth.  Lillian ignored her and pushed some of the eggs off of Cassandra’s plate and replaced them with strawberries.  “Not cool, mom!”

“Neither is talking with your mouth full,” Lillian riposted.

Katryn snickered through a mouthful of food.

“I do hope you all found your rooms to your liking and had a good night’s sleep,” Viandir said.

“Yes, they were quite lovely rooms,” Lillian said.  “Even if some of us did not remember to lock their doors.”

“Oh!” Katryn said through a mouthful of food.  She quickly swallowed, choked a bit and down a glass of water.  “By the way, i may or o may not have blown a door off of its hinges.”

“May or may not?” Carson asked, “You totally did!  And you nearly smushed me!”

“I was practicing the force push spell,” Katryn said haughtily.

“You’ve got a force push spell?” Carson asked excitedly, “That is so cool!”

“Huh?” Katryn asked, “It’s just using force to push things.”

“Use the Force, Katryn!  Use the Force!” Carson said melodramatically.  Katryn frowned as the other people from Earth laughed.

“What’s so funny?” Katryn asked.

“…Star Wars?” Carson said between giggles.

“Oh.  Never saw those movies,” Katryn shrugged.

“Don’t watch the prequel movies,” Carson said sagely, “But you should really watch the original trilogy.  They’re classics.”

“Is that… so?” Katryn said doubtfully.

“They have Harrison Ford,” Lillian put in, “That’s reason enough to watch for me.”

“As in Indiana Jones Harrison Ford?” Katryn asked rhetorically, “I suppose I could watch it for him…”

“Oh god, you are not watching the original trilogy just to ogle one of the actors!” Carson groaned.

“No other reason to, really,” Katryn shrugged, “Sci-fi is lame.”

“I can’t believe that you are saying that!” Carson said, “I can’t believe that you don’t like science fiction!  Science fiction is awesome!”

“Nah,” Cassandra said, “Sci-fi is great, but fantasy totally kicks its ass.”

“Dude,” Carson said, “Sci-fi has spaceships. Spaceships that blow things up.”

“Like the Death Star?  That’s a pretty lame spaceship,” Cassandra said, “It took, what, one well placed torpedo to blow up the entire ship?”

“Nah, more like the Borg Cubes,” Carson said excitedly, “Those things are as scary as shit.”

“I have no clue what any of you are talking about,” Katryn said dully.

“Oh c’mon!  Is there nothing from sci-fi you know about?  Not even ‘we are the Borg.  Prepare to be assimilated.  Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own’?” Carson asked.

“Nope, doesn’t sound familiar,” Katryn shrugged.

“…Over nine thousand?” Carson asked desperately.

“The internet meme?  Why are you saying that,” Katryn asked.

“Well,” Carson sighed, “At least you recognised that it is an internet meme.  I suppose it could have been worse.”

“Are you going to sit here and quiz me all day about shows I have not seen?” Katryn asked.

“Yes!  There has to be some science fiction that you have seen!  Nobody can go throughout all of their lives without watching any sci-fi!” Carson said adamantly.

“Sorry – I prefer crime procedurals,” Katryn shrugged.

“Have you seen Castle?” Carson asked.

“Yeah, of course,” Katryn replied.

“The episode where Castle was dressed as a space cowboy?  A reference to Firefly,” Carson said.  “There, you have seen sci-fi.”

“Not really because that was news to me,” Katryn shrugged.  “Besides, the show itself is not sci-fi.”

“But it was sci-fi!  In the show!” Carson said desperately.

“Nah,” Cassandra said, “I’m with Katryn.  A sci-fi reference does not mean that Katryn has seen science fiction.”

“I am making you watch Firefly,” Carson said, “It has Nathan Fillion.”

“That’s… lovely,” Katryn said, quite glad that they were in a world without tv.

“I am,” Carson said as he shovelled the last of his food into his mouth.  Katryn piled more fruit onto her plate and began to devour the cantaloupe.

–

“No!” Poehr said, “You have to learn the theory before you can apply the magic to the actual world!”

“But I can apply the damned magic!  I blew Carson’s door off!” Katryn yelled back.

“Did you mean to blow the door off?” Peohr asked, annoyingly calm.

“Um, no.  I meant to knock, actually,” Katryn admitted.

“You need to learn control and you need to figure out how much force is actually necessary to do things,” Poehr explained, “You may be excellent at calculations and can determine a force to a precise amount, but you have no practical experience in casting magic.  You need to learn to judge how much force is necessary before you can start casting.”

Katryn snorted and looked put out, “I’m going to be using this magic to blow up bad guys,” She said, “I don’t think accidentally blowing them up more than necessary is a bad thing.”

“Yes,” Poehr said, “It is.  Your staff only has so much energy – it can only do so much in a day.”

“And, what, it recharges over night or something?” Katryn snorted.

“No, it just recharges whenever you don’t use it.  The staff draws its power from the mana all around us.” Poehr gestured widely.

“Oookay, I was following all of this magic stuff up until you said that,” Katryn said, “There must be a real place that the power comes from, not just ‘mana’.”

“Perhaps you have a different word for it,” Peohr said, “But we call it mana.”

On the other side of the room, Carson was in a much happier place.  Jerin was teaching him about a fascinating aspect of the Reann culture – summoning monsters and demons.  And apparently just plain animals but, well, that was nowhere near as cool as summoning demons.  Now Carson just needed to find an excuse to get Jerin to show him a summoning… or better yet teach him how to summon.

Cassandra was also pretty happy – she had spent last night practicing lute playing until the wee hours of the morning so, despite the fact that she was half asleep, Eilyn was impressed with her dedication and rapid assimilation of new techniques.  It wasn’t long until Eilyn got annoyed with the noise and the other occupants of the room and quickly ushered Cassandra off into her personal sanctum.  Viandir was quick to reassure Lillian that that was a good thing – Eilyn rarely brings students into her personal workspace.

Lillian was, once again, impressing her teacher with her swift understanding of the human body.  HealerName was certain that, by tomorrow, she could get Lillian started on simple healings.  Hopefully Lillian would be Justas quick of a learner for the practical application as she was for the theoretical.

Rainier and Weorn had long since left the room.  As Rainier was adept at using his advantage of size and muscle mass to overwhelm Weorn, they had left for the guard’s practice area so that Rainier could attempt to fend off multiple opponents – something that was likely to happen during their quest.

At that, Rainier wasn’t doing as well – he was frequently overwhelmed by sheer numbers and his lack of skill at swordsmanship was showing.  Nonetheless, Weorn was cautiously optimistic that, with the right spells, Rainier would learn how to defend his team long enough for Katryn to take them down.

Silvanus?  He was still locked in his room in the servant’s quarters.  None of the occupants of the palace were too fond of the arrogant thief.  He was, however, finally released when they broke for a quick lunch and a demonstration of demon summoning that, for Carson, quickly lead into a lesson on how to summon animals.  Carson was delighted (as with the Reann’s.  Any edge that the Heroes could get and all that).

Cassandra, however, was thrown out into the wild without a teacher because Eilyn was struck by inspiration and became impossible to deal with.  Bored shitless, she finally managed to convince (or, rather, annoy her mother into submission) Lillian to let her explore the city with Silvanus.

In the city, Silvanus rather delightedly gave Cassandra the penny tour – all of his favourite haunts were revealed and he began teaching her, at Cassandra’s urging, his particular trade.  Silvanus was an excellent pickpocket and a decent enough teacher, but Cassandra wasn’t willing to attempt to steal from anyone.  At least, not yet.

Back at the palace, Katryn had finally agreed to power down her spells and was actually learning to judge the amount of force necessary for the basic force push spell.  After she mastered that one, Poehr assured her, the rest would come much easier – the difficulty lied in the calculations and the judgment of a necessary level of force (or whatever) came easier with time.

“If you really wish to find out… be my guest,” Katryn gestured dramatically.  Carson froze.

“I’ll pass.  I developed a fear of dead bodies when I was five – alas, my poor grandmother never finished her morning coffee the morning after our sleepover.”

Katryn looked at him.  “I’m not certain if you’re making that up or not.”

The door flung open with a bang and Cassandra stormed out, shouting.  “I wish I was living with dad – he wouldn’t care that I went out into the city!”

“And that is why I got sole custody!” Lillian shouted back whilst following Cassandra out of the room, “And don’t walk away from me!”

Cassandra opened her mouth to give another heated response, but she was interrupted by another angry shout bouncing off the corridor’s walls.

“Viandir!” A large, middle aged woman with a glorious mass of dark shining curls stalked towards the group, “Not only do you tear me away from the grips of my muse, but you instructed me to report to an empty room!  What kind of cruel game are you playing with me?”

“Ah, Eilyn,” Viandir winced, “I’m terribly sorry about the confusion.  We were originally in the red room, but one of the Heroes decided to take a trip into the city and everything got thrown into chaos after that.”

“Good.  You need more spontaneity in your life, Viandir,” Eilyn was suddenly all smiles and dimples.  “Chaos is an agent of change and a necessary ingredient in overthrowing the Evil One.  Which one of these Heroes is the promising one?” The ‘Heroes’ looked at each other in confusion.

“You should be pleased, Eilyn.  The agent of chaos is your student, Cassandra,” Viandir said, ushering Cassandra forward.  “And now that the situation has been dealt with, we should go back to our training now.”

“Wonderful!  Cassandra, you absolutely must show up on time for all of our lessons.  Whilst chaos is necessary for life and growth, it must also be tempered with order,” Eilyn placed Cassandra’s arm through her own.  “Much like music – one cannot just create a glorious mass of noise (unless, of course, you are Xiaxilees – a brilliant man.  A bit insane, yes, but brilliant nonetheless) but you cannot have a song that consists of just a scale (though Hareah composed a lovely symphony piece consisting of just that).  A balance must be struck between chaos and order for life to succeed!  Tell me, Cassandra, what instruments do you play?”

Cassandra blinked, overwhelmed.  “Guitar, mostly.   Some piano and alto sax.”

“Excellent, excellent!  I am a pianist myself, but I do have a decent grasp at the guitar,” Eilyn laughed lyrically.

“You’re selling yourself too short again, Eilyn,” Viandir said fondly, “You have a preternatural gift at playing all instruments and your compositions aren’t too shoddy either.”

Eilyn giggled, “Oh Viandir, you flatterer.”

Viandir blushed furiously, “Ahem.  Lillian,” he said, changing the subject, “I have the results from your aptitude test.”

“So soon?” Lillian asked, surprised.

“Of course – they test is marked as soon as you sign your name at the bottom of the page,” Viandir said.

“I was under the impression that there were tests like thse in your world,” Jerin said, “Were they not makred instantaneously as well?”

“No,” Lillian replied, “They need to be fed into a machine and the machine marks the exams for you.  There is a delay for processing.”

“How inefficient,” Poehr said.

“Well, technically we have exams that are marked instantly,” Cassandra clarified, “They’re just written on the computer instead of on paper.”

“A computer?” Jerin asked.

“Yeah,” Cassandra replied.  “Big, boxy has a montiro to view stuff and a keyboard and a mouse to put stuff into it?”

The Reannians looked confused.

“Like the calculator,” Katryn explained, “But far more powerful.  Computers use basic math and logic statements to calculate incredibly complex equations, display images, transfer data, etcetera.”

“What sort of equations,” Poehr asked, curious.

“The big ones, the onse that nobody wants to do by hand.  Quantum mechanics is a big one to use the calucators for.  There’s a lot of tedious approximation and integrating,” Katryn explained.

“You have machines to calculate out numbers that your graphing calculator cannot handle,” Poehr looked surprised… and very envious.

“Yeah,” Katryn said, “It’s pretty awesome.”

“Somehow,” Poehr said, “I think that you may know more about physics than all of the sorcerers on this planet put together.”

Katryn blushed.  “I doubt that – I’m only a undergrad after all.  A lot of the stuff I know was actually discovered before computers, and even calculators, came into play.  They just make life easier for us, they don’t make us any smarter.”

“Even so.  With that graphing calculator, you have the potential to be the greatest sorcerer in this country, if not the entire world,” Poehr was awed and beginning to border on hero worship.  Honestly?  Katryn was a little freaked out by it and stunned into silence.

“Well then,” Lillian said, “How did I score?”

“Your scored the highest in accounting,” Viandir said.

“Ha!” Cassandra interrupted, “Pretty pathetic, mom, your highest aptitude is for the job you already hold.”

“How is that a surprise, Cassie?”  Lillian shot back, “I’d be pretty pissed if it wasn’t – I have been doing this for twenty years after all.”

“Mom!  Don’t call me that!” Cassandra whined.

Lillian ignored her.  “Somehow,” she said, “I doubt that accounting is going to help us very much on this quest.  What is the next highest?”

“The healing arts,” Viandir said with a smile, “A very useful talent for any group of adventurers.”

“Seriously?” Lillian asked, “I have no medical training whatsoever.”

“Ah, but you can make the most astute diagnosis ever, mom,” Cassandra smirked, “It is never lupus.”

The other four humans from earth snickered as the Reannians looked baffled.

“It’s from a show,” Rainier said, “Called House.  It’s about a miserable bastard of a doctor and his team of diagnosticians.  At some point in the show, they’ll always list off a bunch of possible disease the symptoms match and lupus is always thrown out there.  However, it is never lupus as House once pointed out.”

“I… see,” Viandir said, still mystified.

“It’s a really good show,” Lillian assured him.

“I’ll take your word for it,” Viandir said, “Do you wish to learn the healing arts?”

“Yeah, sure.   Sounds fine with me,” Lillian tried to shrug casually.  She failed.

“Oh, joys,” Silvanus said, “Does anybody in this group actually know something about the Role they are playing?”

“Yes, actually,” Katryn said.  “Though technically I’m not supposed to be in the group.  You’re better off with me than that crazy old drunk, though.  He makes my life a living hell at work.”

“…How many people came through the Portal?” Silvanus asked slowly.

“Six,” Viandir said, “But that’s all very hush hush – officially only five came through.”

“We’re so fucked.”

Chapter Something

And, thus, the Heroes trained.  It was a long and gruelling period for all of them – voices were raised, explosions were made and teachers stormed out in a huff (but shortly returned – everyone feared the Evil One more than they were willing to hold a grudge after all).

An hour later, Viandir called it quits for the night.  Carson’s questions about the strangest and minutest of details were driving him absolutely nuts.  In all honesty, that plan agreed with all of the Reannians except for Jerin.  Jerin was fascinated with the byplay and kept jumping from person to person quizzing them on the strangest details of their lives.  Eilyn, however, was ready to snap – her muse was calling to her and her nature demanded that she leave this instant to write.  Viandir, fearing for his safety, quickly let her go.

Poehr seemed to have quickly gotten over his hero worship of Katryn – her bossy and demanding nature was a sight to behold and her temper wasn’t something you wanted to be on the bad side of.  Unfortunately, Poehr rapidly attracted her wrath after he stopped her from exploding another vase and forced her to slow down on the spellcasting.

As for Weorn, it turns out that, despite his vast knowledge of weaponry, Rainier was a quick study and a much stronger man and was quickly able to force him into submission.  Later on, Rainier admitted that he took fencing lessons as a teenager and then, during the off season, he liked to perform historical renactments of tournaments at Renaissance fairs.

Lillian’s teacher, HealerName, was the odd one out – she was perfectly willing to stay for several more hours.  Lillian was an attentive student and ate up every word that she said.  Once again, it turns out that Lillian’s mathematical knowledge and incredible memory for the strangest of details was a major bonus in this world.  Despite only ever watching medical dramas for almost forty years and possessing no other medical knowledge, Lillian apparently made an outstanding healer and an avid student.  Her ability to memorize anatomy, even when factoring in the boosting powers of the memorization spell, was outstanding.

Silvanus, disallowed from leaving Viandir’s sight, was bored shitless from the beginning.

So, after the five humans from Earth were shown to their rooms, and they were rather lavish rooms at that and Silvanus locked in the servants quarters, the six palace residents trooped off for their meeting with the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister was an incredibly gorgeous woman.  Her eyes were a luminescent blue and her hair fell in cascading waves past her shoulders and both shimmered at the six in the fading sunlight.

“So,” she said, “How are they?”  The six exchanged looks and then turned to Viandir.

“They are both better, and far worse, than we had ever hoped for,” Viandir admitted slowly.  “They come from a world without magic and none of them have any proper training in their chosen disciplines.”

“So, are we screwed or are we not screwed?” The Prime Minister asked, just as slowly as Viandir.

“That remains to be seen.  They are all quick learners and they do all have a background in their Roles, but they do not have any experience with the magical ends of things,” Viandir said, “And Cassandra found another problem – as there is no magic in their world, none of them have been tainted by the vampire mark.  They need protection from the vampires and the other beasts that prey on humans, which is why I requested the dossier on Silvanus of Whereever.”
“You want a thief to travel with them,” The Prime Minister asked bluntly.

“Yes,” Viandir said, “There are not many options available to us.  Silvanus is the only elven vampire within three hundred kilometres from here and, frankly, he is the best suited for this role.”

The Prime Minister sighed, “You are right, of course.  None of the others have the amount of force and charm to cow ordinary vampires into submission.”

“Indeed,” Viandir said, glancing at Eilyn, concerned, “Why doesn’t Eilyn update you on the status of her student first?”

Eilyn ceased her fidgety nervousness and replied shortly, “Cassandra has had plenty of formal training in music – she’s a supurb musician and is quickly adapting to the lute.  I think I’ll be able to judge her composition and improvation skills tomorrow.”

The Prime Minsiter eyed Eilyn carefully, also aware of the musician’s flighty nature, “Very well.  You may leave if you like, Eilyn.”

“Thank you ma’am,” Eilyn bowed elegantly and swiftly hurried out of the room.

“Now, the one you’re training for leadership, Viandir?”

“Carson has absolutely no interest in leadership,” Viandir bluntly stated.

The Prime Minister looked surprised and a little pleased, “No interest whatsoever?  Interesting.”
“Yes, he is far more interested in the history of Reann and our rhetoric.  He says that he’s an anthropologist – someone who studies other civilizations,” Viandir explained.

“But does he have leadership potential?” The Prime Minister asked.

“Honestly?  I’m not certain.  I think he might be the one to motivate people to move onwards simply because he wishes to explore the world, though,” Viandir said, “In battle, I suspect that it is Rainier who will take the lead.”

“I suppose that that will have to do,” The Prime Minister sighed and rubbed at her temples.  “I was hoping that there would be a clear leader type Hero.  It certainly simplifies things.”

“That it does, especially since Carson has no real skills to apply to the team in a fight,” Viandir said, disgusted.

“Actually,” Jerin interrupted, “I’m not so sure about that.  As someone who studies other cultures, I’m certain that he’d be a good summoner – half the battle is knowing what the creature you’re summoning wants.  At the very least, I sense a bit of the talent within him.”

“Train him in that,” The Prime Minister said instantly, “Even if he can only summon a bunny, the Heroes need every edge that they can get.”

“I will endeavour to do so,” Jerin nodded.

“The healer?” The Prime Minister prompted after a small pause.

“Strangely, for someone who knows nothing about the healing arts, Lillian is rather adept at memorisation and, as a mother of a rebellious teen, she certainly has the compassion to heal properly,” HealerName said, “She’ll never be a great healer, though.  Her talents lie more in numerology and mathematics.  Hopefully none of the Heroes die and require a resurrection.”

The Prime Minister frowned and rubbed at her temples harder, “So we have a bard who could possibly have a talent, a leader who may or may not lead and a healer who can perform basic tasks.  Thus so far, our Heroes are not shapping up to be like the ones in the Prophecy.”

“Well,” Peohr said, “Technically Katryn is at the level of Heroism that we would expect from the Chosen Ones.”

“Ah, yes.  Katryn.  The sixth person to come through the portal,” The Prime Minister rolled her eyes, “Someone that isn’t even supposed to be here is Hero material.”

“It does seem to be that way,” Jerin said with a shrug, “But at least we have an incredibly powerful war sorcerer – Katryn could almost carry the entire team throughout most of their travels, especially since she can run the calculations so much faster than our sorcerers.”

“And Rainier is decent enough with the broadsword to fend off any attackers whilst Katryn is calculating,” Weorn put in.

“How decent?” The Prime Minister asked sharply.

Weorn made a face, “With Lillian supplying buffering spells and constantly healing him, he should be able to hold everything back just long enough for Katryn to take them out.”

“And throughout all of this, Carson, Cassandra and Silvanus will be just sitting on their asses,” The Prime Minister sighed.

“I’m not sure about Cassandra,” Viandir said, “She’s sneaky, as her trip into the city proved.  She could probably make a decent rogue.”

Jerin grinned, “And Silvanus will jump at the chance to train her.”  Everyone looked at him, curious, “What?  You’ve seen how he looks at her – Silvanus is dying to get his teeth into Cassandra and he’ll do anything to attain that goal.”

The Prime Minister shot a sharp look at Viandir.

“No, I did not notice,” Viandir said, annoyed, “Besides, with Cassandra’s mother there, nothing will happen.  I suspect that Lillian will quickly discover the effects of healing magic on vampires.”

The Prime Minister sighed again.  “This all would be hilarious…” She trailed off.

“Yeah,” Jerin said, “If it wasn’t for the fact that our lives are on the line.”

“You’re all dismissed,” The Prime Minister waved an arm absently, “Get some rest.”

“You too, PrimeName,” Weorn paused in the doorway, looking back.  The others had already left.

“I wish I could, Weorn,” PrimeName pushed her hair out of her face with a fine boned hand, “But I have a speech to write and it seems like I’m going to have to write rather… creatively.”

“Good night then,” Weorn nodded and left, closing the door softly behind him.

–

When Katryn woke up the next morning, she squeezed her eyes tightly shut.  The bed didn’t feel quite like her own, but she was desperately hoping that yesterday was just a sick dream.  As fascinating as it was to literally apply basic physics principles to the real world, she was just not interested in questing across the countryside.  She just wasn’t the adventuresome sort and, to make matters worse, she really did hate science fiction and fantasy.  And, yet, here she was.  Stuck in a world in which vampires (and elves) actually existed.

Maybe being on a crazy drug trip really would be the preferable situation.

Sighing, Katryn realised that she was just delaying the inevitable and slowly opened one eye and then the other.

The walls were a deep, dark red.

No go then – Katryn’s apartment had the same sterilely white walls as every other apartment in existence.

Katryn sighed and rolled over.  While the red was preferable to the white she normally woke up to, she still thought that it was hokey that the redhead gets to stay in the red room.  She burrowed under the covers and closed her eyes again.

Five minutes later she was out of the bed and wandering in her borrowed nightgown.  She was never good at sleeping in.  Katryn started opening drawers and doors in an attempt to find the en suite.  Her hair was a greasy mass and her (borrowed) nightgown was clinging to her skin – the Reann’s slept with the rooms at a much higher temperature than what Katryn was used to.

After discovering that the room had one closet and a second bedroom attached (Katryn thought that they might be servants quarters or something), Katryn found that the third time was indeed the charm as she walked into the en suite.

Wow, was Katryn’s only thought, I take it back – I never want to go back to earth.

The en suite was incredibly lavish – there was a massive and deep tub (pool, practically) sunk into the ground, already full of steaming hot water.  There was a shower off to the side but Katryn’s eyes were fixed on the tub.  It looked like absolute heaven.

Entirely forgetting that she spent a hot and sticky night in bed, Katryn eagerly stripped out of clothes and slowly sunk into the tub.  Katryn sighed happily as the water nearly scalded her.  Perfect.  Absolutely perfect.

Taking in a deep breath, Katryn sunk down beneath the surface and powerfully pushed her way to the centre of the tub.  Smiling in pure bliss, Katryn held herself under the water until her lungs were screaming for air.  With a massive rush of water, Katryn flung herself upwards and sucked in a huge gulp of air.  Gasping happily, she shook her hair out of her face leaned back into the water to float on her back.

Hmmm, she thought, the mirrors on the ceiling were very overkill and rather tasteless.  She studied her body critically – the heat of the water was turning her normally pale skin a rather unattractive lobster red colour.

It was then, she noticed, that there was someone standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

Katryn shrieked in anger and ducked below the water, desperately trying to cover up.  “What the flying fuck are you doing in here, Carson?!”

“I, uh, I was told to come wake you up so I knocked on the door but there was no answer and then you weren’t in the bed but this door was open and I heard noises and then I looked inside and oh my god I’m so sorry!”  Carson cried out, covering his eyes.

“Then why the hell did you stay and not say anything!” Katryn yelled, Carson cringed.  “Oh for Christ’s sake, get the fuck out of the bathroom!  And close the door behind you!”

Carson complied, whimpering.  Surprisingly, he went a step further and left the rooms entirely.

He was still standing there, red faced, and a bit shell shocked but with a small smile upon his lips when Lillian strode by on a direct path to Cassandra’s rooms.  She paused, however, and looked at Carson.

“What’s with you?  Did you get Katryn up?” She asked, frowning.

“It, uh, turns out that she was already up,” Carson said, embarrassed.

Lillian raised an eyebrow, “And?”

“Ummm, she was already washing up,” Carson hedged.

Lillian snickered and rolled her eyes, “In the giant bathtub, right?”

Carson just nodded slightly.

Lillian’s smile grew, “And you got yourself a good look, didn’t you?”

Carson nodded again.

Lillian snickered, “And then she gave you holy hell, didn’t she?”

“Yes,” Katryn said, poking her head out of her door, “I did.  Lillian, when you have a moment, could you come see me?”

“Of course dear,” Lillian said, “Just give me a minute to attempt to wake up Cassandra.”

“Try telling her that Silvanus is up and ready to take on the day,” Katryn smirked.

“Oh, trust me, I’m not encouraging that one,” Lillian sighed, “And she always said that the werewolf in those books was the hot one.  I’ll be back in a few.  Carson, you should go get properly dressed.”

Carson rolled his eyes, “Yes mom.”  Lillian thwapped him upside of the head.

“Don’t give me lip, boy!”  She sashayed her way into Cassandra’s room and closed the door with an overly loud slam.

Carson grinned and turned to back to Katryn, “So, Katryn, wha –”

And that was as far as he got before Katryn closed the door on his face.

Katryn grinned evilly to herself.  Carson was going to pay for that move!

Well, he would pay for it once she figured out if there were any decent clothes in the closet.  She had already gone through it once and the entire contents of wardrobe were nearly impossible to decipher.  She had seen Peohr and a few others wandering around in a ridiculous robe getup but she never thought that she’d be forced to wear the costume.  Or that it would be so hard to figure out how it went together.

Fortunately, the undergarments were easy to figure out, though, in the case of the corset, hard to put on.  Katryn, upon seeing the ridiculous contraption, had immediately thrown it aside and put on her bra.  Nothing, absolutely nothing was going to get her into a corset.

Katryn was still staring at the clothes, having at least sorted them into what was most likely proper outfits, in confusion when she heard a soft knock on her door.

“Lillian?” Katryn called out.

“Yes?”  Lilian’s muffled voice came through the door.

“Come in – the door’s unlocked!” Katryn shouted.  Lillian opened the door and slipped in quietly.

“Unlocked?  I would have expected you to lock it after your surprise visit this morning,” Lillian said.

“No point – I can’t see Rainier as a peeping tom and Carson already got a free show and likely isn’t coming back for more,” Katryn shrugged, “Anyway, I was wondering if I could have some help with these… clothes.”

Lillian walked over to stand beside Katryn and surveyed them critically for a few moments.  “First things first,” she said, “Lose the bra.”

“What?” Katryn sucked in a breath, “I am most certainly not going to wear that corset if that is what you are implying!”

“You are – the entire outfit seems to hook up to it,” Lillian said, “So, what colour do you wish to wear?”

“I am not wearing a corset,” Katryn said adamantly.

“Hmmm, with your colouring I think we should go with the icy blue and black outfit,” Lillian said, ignoring Katryn entirely.  “Take off the bra or I’ll take it off for you.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Katryn huffed.

A minute later Lillian had Katryn pinned to the bed on her stomach, her bra nowhere to be seen.

“Corset.  Now.” Lillian snapped.

“…Yes ma’am,” Katryn muttered and Lillian got off her back.  Scowling, Katryn put on the corset and squirmed a bit as Lillian began to tighten it.  “Holy god woman, that is tight enough!” Katryn gasped, “I can barely breathe!”

“You may not be able to breathe,” Lillian said with a grunt, lacing it shut tighter, “But do you really want the corset to fall off?”

“Can’t I have both?” Katryn gasped.

“Oh quit your whining,” Lillian said, “You’re going to look absolutely fantastic in this thing.”

“Yes, I’ll look absolutely ravishing whilst lying unconscious on the floor from not getting enough oxygen into my system,” Katryn winced as the corset tightened further.

“Hush,” Lillian said, “I’m done.  Time for the stockings and garters.”

“Yeah, can I skip that bit?”  Katryn asked, “Nobody is going to see it under that skirt.”

Lillian just held up the skirt and twisted it, revealing a slit that went up to mid thigh.

“Or perhaps they will see everything,” Katryn said dryly, “Including the garter belt.  Is there a less sluttastic one?”

“Do you want to go through the corset thing again,” Lillian raised an eyebrow.

“For preserving my modesty?  Certainly,” Katryn crossed her arms and looked defiant, though the effect was ruined due to the fact that she was standing there barefooted in nothing but her underwear.

“Fine,” Lillian rolled her eyes, “The least revealing outfit appears to be this pink and purple one.”

Katryn frowned.  “I look hideous in pink and purple.”

“Yes,” Lillian said, “You would.  Will you put on the stockings now?”  Katryn sighed and snatched them out of Lillian’s hands.

After the garter fiasco came the equally daunting skirt fiasco.  While Katryn had no problems with the skirt itself (well, other than the absolutely obnoxious split, but even that was better than standing around in her under things), Lillian had a horrible time trying to figure out how it fit together with the corset.  It took several attempts but the skirt was finally attached in all of its buckle-y glory.

The skirt was actually very ridiculous.  It had at least a dozen straps that did absolutely nothing and another half dozen belts that seemed to be there just for the looks.  And Katryn was right – the slit did go all the way up her thighs and high enough to reveal the black lace of the garter.

Katryn looked in a floor length mirror and rolled her eyes.  “I feel like I’m getting ready for a Hallowe’en party.”

“It certainly seems that way, doesn’t it?” Lillian said with a smile, “It’ll be interesting to see what everyone else is going to be wearing.”

“Yours does not seem too bad,” Katryn said, glancing at Lillian’s high necked long sleeved shirt and thick, tight fitting pants.

“Perhaps not now,” Lillian said wryly, “But this is only the bottom layer.  I suppose I should just be happy that I don’t have to wear one of those giant white nurses’ hats.”

“Or a corset,” Katryn said petulantly.  Lillian rolled her eyes.

“Or a corset.  Come on, there’s jewellery to wear with this outfit too,” Lillian ushered Katryn over to the dresser.

“There’s jewellery too?” Katryn exclaimed, “How do you figure?”

“There was a jewellery box on the dresser painted in the same colours as the outfit,” Lillian shrugged and started passing Katryn various items.  On went a black lace choker, a heavy silver and highly ornate cross, a pair of lace opera gloves and wristbands overtop of that.

“Seriously,” Katryn said, “Don’t you think that this is overkill?”

“Probably,” Lillian said, “But we may as well go all out, right?  Last item.”  Lillian handed Katryn a handful of black and blue lace.

“Um,” Katryn said, “what is this for?”

“I think it is for your hair,” Lillian said and then manhandled Katryn into a chair, “Sit.  Stay.”

“I’m not a dog person,” Katryn said, “Just so you know.”

Lillian ignored her and started threading the laces through Katryn’s hair and tying it up as she went along.  Katryn winced as a bobby pin dug into her skull.

“Ow!  Seriously!” Katryn yelped, “I do not put up my hair for a reason!”

“Oh hush, you’re looking marvellous,” Lillian clicked her tongue against the top of her mouth, “Almost done….”

“Really?” Katryn asked.

“With your hair,” Lillian clarified.  “I’ve still got to do your makeup.”

“No,” Katryn said, “Absolutely not.”

“You’ve already tried that,” Lillian hummed, “And did it work?  No.  I recommend that you just give up and go with the flow already.”

Katryn sulked but stayed in her seat as Lillian ran to get the makeup from the en suite.

“Can you at least put on as little as possible?” Katryn whined.

“Of course, dear,” Lillian murmured, carefully brushing medium brown eye shadow on Katryn’s eyelids.  She carefully accented it with a hint of fiery red and dark red eyeliner.  Black mascara was quickly applied and Katryn started to get up to flee.  Lillian shoved her back into the seat with a glare.  Katryn glared back and Lillian sighed.  “Just a little colour on your lips, okay?”

Katryn rolled her eyes, “Fine.”

“See?  That’s the spirit!” Lillian said gleefully and got out the lipstick and painted Katryn’s lips a dark red.

“Are you trying to make me look goth?” Katryn grumbled.

“Of course not,” Lillian chided, “If I were, I would have put you in the black and red ensemble and given you black lipstick.”

“Encouraging.  Am I done yet?” Katryn sighed.

“Almost,” Lillian assured her.  “Just the boots and the jacket left.”

“Boots?” Katryn asked nervously.

“Yes, they are hooker boots,” Lillian said, correctly interpreting Katryn’s look.  Katryn groaned.  And then the boots came into her sight and she groaned again.  And boggled.

“Do those belts even do anything?” Katryn stared.

“Honestly?  I don’t think so,” Lillian said.

“Okay, the fashion designer seriously needs to be shot,” Katryn said.  “How does this make sense at all?”

“Does Earth fashion make any more sense?” Lillian asked.  Katryn pondered that one for a moment and then remembered the eighties.

“Yeah,” she said, “Good point.”

“Great.  Now put on the damned boots,” Lillian said.  Katryn complied.

“What’s next?” Katryn asked.  Lillian grinned.

“You’re going to love this one,” Lillian pulled her arms behind her back and then flicked the leather open with a snap.  Katryn stared again.

“There are zippers,” She said.

“Yes, yes there is,” Lillian agreed with a smile.

“There are about fifty zippers,” Katryn said.

“Probably,” Lillian nodded.

“Do I even want to know the metal to leather ratio of this thing?” Katryn asked.

“Probably not,” Lillian said.

“Do the zippers go anywhere?” Katryn asked.

“Some of them,” Lillian said.

“The ones that normally open up pockets?” Katryn asked.

“Pretty much,” Lillain grinned.

“What is wrong with these people?” Katryn cried out as Lillian swung the jacket over Katryn’s shoulders.  “Jesus this thing is heavy!”

“Leather and metal tend to be,” Lillian said sagely and stepped back to view her masterpiece.  She smiled warmly.  “You do look wonderful, Katryn.”

Katryn’s standoffish stance melted and she looked up at Lillian through her eyelashes, “You think so?”

“Yes, I do think so,” Lillian smiled.  “Go knock ‘em dead.  I’m going to go wake up Cassie and get dressed myself.”

With that, Lillian slipped out of the room just as quietly as she came.  Katryn slowly, nervously went to stand in front of the full length mirror.  Lillian was right, Katryn supposed, she did look… different.  Wonderful might be stretching it, but the makeup did wonders for her eyes and her pulling her hair back like that complemented her face.  Katryn spun a bit and frowned.  The slit up the skirt was certain to gain the approval of the men at least.  And quite possibly a few women too.

Oh well, Katryn thought, it’s time to face the music, I guess.

And, with that pep talk, Katryn strode towards the door (and only almost tripped once) and swung it open dramatically.

There was no one in the hallway.  Katryn shrugged, a little disappointed but mostly a lot relieved.  She carefully closed the door behind her and took a seat on small chaise lounge outside of her door.  She started to slouch but was quite put out to realise that the corset quite effectively prevented her from doing so.  Katryn jogged her foot for a few minutes, quickly got bored and darted back into her room for her spell book.

A few rooms down, Carson was having just as many problems as Katryn with his outfit but, sadly, he had no one to encourage him to wear it.  Equally sadly was the fact that the outfit consisted of far fewer layers than Katryn’s, as well as far less straps and decorations.

There was, however, a small problem with Carson’s outfit.

It was a dress.

Well, they were robes (technically) but Carson just looked at them and saw that a dress.  Even if his mind did supply that they were (technically) robes.

Carson, standing there in his boxers, reached a tentative hand towards the robes (dress) and almost, almost touched the material.  He wussed out at the last minute, however, and ended up half way across the room.

There was no way – no way he was going to wear that dress (robes)!  Katryn would laugh at him for hours!  And, even though she had a lovely laugh and a brilliant smile, Carson preferred her to be laughing with him rather than at him.

There had to be an outfit with pants in the closet, there had to be.

Turns out that there wasn’t.  Something that Carson had discovered the last five times he had looked but, well, he was hoping that the closet would learn from his frequent inquiries and create a new outfit for him.

Apparently it was not that sort of closet.

Depressing.

And, so, Carson sat in a chair and scowled at his outfit.  He was still sitting there and staring when his door flew off its hinges and smashed into the wall next to him.  Carson stared.

“Um,” Katryn’s voice said, “Whoops?”  She poked her head around and looked into Carson’s room.  “I’d say that I can fix that but, well, I don’t think that I can.  Nice boxers by the way.  Cute aliens.”

Carson flushed bright red.  “Yeah, well, better the boxers than the outfit.”

“Can’t be any worse than mine,” Katryn shrugged.

“Somehow I doubt that,” Carson said wryly.

“Oh yeah?”  Katryn stepped fully into the doorway and extended a leg to give Carson a full view of the ridiculous slit in the skirt.  “You think you can top this?”

Carson stared.  “Wow,” he said.  Sure, he had just seen her naked (and wet!  Wet and naked!) but it was an entirely different sort of sexy to see Katryn with her hair done up and with clothes on.  Clothes that revealed a tantalisingly large amount of flesh.  “Is that a garter belt?” Carson asked stupidly.

“Yes, yes it is.  Like I said, top that,” Katryn smirked.  Carson just got up and held up his clothing.  “Uh, is that a…?”

“Dress?  Yes.  Well, technically they’re robes,” Carson said forlornly.

“I take it back.  You’ve got it worse,” Katryn said with a big grin, “Sucker!”

“I’m not wearing it,” Carson said.

“So you’re going to walk around in glow in the dark alien boxers?” Katryn raised an eyebrow.

“Nah, I figure I can wear my jeans from yesterday.  The shirt is a write off but, well, I’m a guy.  I can go topless.” Carson said stubbornly.

“Somehow, I don’t think that will fly,” Katryn grinned.  “C’mon Carson, at least try it on?  I mean, I had to wear this get up!”

“Absolutely not!” Carson said.

“Please?” Katryn pouted and looked up at Carson with big blue eyes.  “For me?”

“I… uhh…” Carson stumbled.

Katryn stepped closer to Carson and opened her eyes wider, “You owe me.”

“I… fine!  Fine, I’ll put on the damned dress!” Carson said.

“Robes,” Katryn corrected.

“Whatever,” Carson muttered and shrugged the black under robes on.  They reached the floor and swished magnificently as he reached for the dark green over robes – these were smaller, sleeveless and more ornate.  Carson then pulled on his sturdy, sensible boots which Katryn envied and desperately desired.  He yanked on fingerless leather gloves, threw on a green and black hooded cloak and then was finished.  Carson struck a ridiculous pose that sent Katryn into gales of laughter.

“Well, I certainly win for how long it took to get this bloody thing on,” Katryn said disgustedly after she stopped laughing.

“But at least you’re a girl in a dress!” Carson proclaimed.

“A dress with a slit a few centimetres shy of reaching my crotch!” Katryn shot back.

“I’m a man,” Carson said, “In a dress.  How is that not wrong?!”

“Cross dressers do it all the time,” Rainier said.  Katryn and Carson whirled around, completely surprised to see him there.

“Awww, why does he get pants?” Carson whined.  Rainier was wearing tight leather pants and a loose white linen shirt.

“Because it is hard to fight in a dress,” Rainier stated practically, “Come on.  They’re waiting for you.”

“Even Cassandra?” Katryn asked.

“Even Cassandra.” Rainier nodded.

“Wait, wait!” Carson yelped as Rainier and Katryn turned to leave, “Let me get out of this thing!”

“Sorry,” Rainier said, “No time.”  And, with that, he grabbed Carson by the back of his robes and dragged him out of the door.

Chapter 2

Katryn leaned back with a smile.  For once, being ‘that redhead’ was a benefit rather than a curse.  Right now, since she wasn’t one of the prophesised ones, she just got to kick back, relax and watch as four ‘destined ones’ got to learn their trades.

It really was quite hilarious – Lillian was currently trying to lift a sword, let along swing it, almost as big as her whilst Carson somehow managed to splatter ink up his arms and onto his face.  Rainier looked incredibly bored and half asleep as Viandir droned on about leadership rhetoric.  And Cassandra?  Cassandra was holding a staff and stabbing a book with a pencil as Peohr looked on.  Apparently no one felt that they were suited to their assigned role.

Once again the group was in a large, spacious room.  It certainly wasn’t as cavernous as the sanctuary area they first arrived in, but it had echoes of that room with its high, vaulted ceilings and gilded walls.  Despite the lavish decorating, however, it was imminently suited for a training room, even if its occupants didn’t wish to learn.

“Ow!  Bloody hell this is it!” Lillian swore and dropped the sword with a clang, “I am not trying to lift that sword one more time – it was clearly meant for super humans, not a thirty-nine year old accountant!  Give me a new damned role and assign someone else to be the ‘warrior’!”

“Oh, you think you’ve got it bad, mom?  Do you know what this book is?  It’s a fucking physics text, that’s what!  I’m failing physics, remember?” Cassandra snapped the book shut loudly, “I thought magic was supposed to be, I dunno, magic-y, not science-y!”

Katryn sat up straight in excitement,”Physics?” She asked, “Can I see?”

“Sure, be my guest,” Cassandra rolled her eyes and hucked the book at Katryn, who fumbled the catch.  Undeterred, Katryn snatched the book off the ground and opened it hungrily.  She flipped through it rapidly with an excited smile growing on her face.

“You’re right – this is physics.  There’s some chemistry, biology and geology as well, but it is primarily physics,” Katryn turned to Poehr with her dazzling smile, “Can I hang onto this for awhile?  I wish to study it.”  Poehr could only just nod dumbly.

“What, no!”  Leovis yelped, “The Sorcerer must learn from the book, not that redhead!”

“Dude, this ‘sorcerer’ will never be able to understand that book – I’m a creative person, not a science-y person,” Cassandra snorted, “Let her have it – and this staff too.  I’m going to explore the city.”

“No!  Absolutely not – you must learn the magical arts!” Leovis stamped his foot angrily.

“I disagree, Leovis,” Poehr dismissed him and turned to Viandir, “She’s right – she’ll never be able to learn the art in time.  With practice and a lot of hard work, Cassandra could get a decent grasp on the subject, but she just doesn’t have the innate talent that makes a sorcerer a sorcerer.”

“And you think that Katryn does?” Viandir asked, “Having a sorcerer is absolutely critical for the Heroes to defeat the Ancient Evil.”

“I cannot be certain, but judging by the way she is reading from the middle of the book, I suspect that she does,” Poehr said.

“Uh, hate to interrupt,” Katryn said, “But this constant is off – it is 6.626×10^-34 Js, not 6.5.”

“I have never heard of Joules,” Poehr said, worrying his eyebrows.

“Yeah, I converted your units to what we use on Earth.  They’re actually analogous –we just use different units.  Makes sense – the units named after people wouldn’t be the same.  After all, it is not like Joule could have found the energy relation in both of our worlds,” Katryn explained, “This constant is called Planck’s on Earth.”

“Okay, yes, Katryn will be a more than sufficient replacement for Cassandra,” Poehr said.

“Yes!  Now can I please leave?” Cassandra whined.

“No – I don’t want you wandering around a strange city by yourself,” Lillian shot down.

“Awww, but mooom!” Cassandra whimpered, “The crime rates here are really low!”

“Cassandra, stop fabricating excuses,” Lillian rolled her eyes, “How would you know what the crime rate is like in a city on another world?”

“I overheard Viandir telling Rainier that,” Cassandra shrugged, “C’mon!  Let me go!”

“Absolutely not.  And that is final.  Go sit with Katryn,” Lillian pointed and Cassandra went, grumbling, “Now, while we’re changing our roles, I wish to get out of this one.  Assign me a new one, please.”

“If Lillian is leaving the warrior role, I would like to take her place,” Rainier said quickly.

“And if Rainier is taking over Lillian’s position, I want his!” Carson added.

“You?  Our leader?” Katryn snirked.

“Hey, I’m not interested in leading anyone – Viandir is just saying some really interesting stuff from an anthropological standpoint.  You know, this is a really interesting culture,” Carson explained.

“Do either of you wish to take over Carson’s role?” Viandir asked Cassandra and Lillian.

“No, not particularly,” Cassandra said, “Taking notes is not my idea of a fun time.  Dude, maybe I could be a bard!”

“A bard?  Seriously Cassandra?” Lillian scoffed.

“What?  I can play the guitar – that knowledge has to transfer over to the lute!” Cassandra explained.  “Plus, I’m a writer!  Of fiction and music!  It’d be perfect!  Sorta like a scholar with style!”

“That would be acceptable,” Viandir said, “I’ll bring in a music teacher for you, Cassandra.  Do you have any idea on what role you wish to play, Lillian?”

“I don’t even know which roles are available!  Cassandra’s the one with the Dungeons and Dragons knowledge,” Lillian shrugged.

“Mom!  Ixnay on the D&D-ay!” Cassandra hissed.

Carson laughed, “That was the worst bit of pig Latin I’ve ever heard.  I’ve been thinking about starting a 4E game myself.  But with a space opera theme, not a high fantasy one.”

“And you called me a nerd,” Katryn snorted.

“Dude, so it is a bit geeky!  Geeks are totally different from nerds!” Cassandra sniffed.

“Yeah, I’ll just end up using my interests to make money whilst you, what, continue to play hero in your mother’s basement?” Katryn smirked.

“Anyway,” Lillian said as if her daughter hadn’t got into an argument with two supposedly adults, “Do you have an aptitude test or something that I can take?”

“Why, yes, we do.  Jerin, could you please go get an aptitude test and tell MusicTeacher to report here ASAP?” Viandir asked.

“Yeah, sure, not a problem,” Jerin shambled out of the room muttering as the door closed behind him, “What am I?  The gopher?  Jerin, do this, Jerin do that!”

Carson laughed a bit and then turned serious, “I wonder how it is that they use much the same slang and jargon that we do.”

“I’m not sure,” Katryn said, “It is pretty weird that all of their units seem to have direct SI counterparts.  Even on Earth we do not have a direct correlation like that – there are still some scientists using the old system of measurement after all.”

“Here’s one for you two to wonder over – how come we all can speak English?  And nobody seems to have an accent – it’s like we’re all speaking English from the same region,” Cassandra put in.

“Curiouser and curiouser,” Katryn mused.

“Ah,” Poehr said, “This is one of Jerin’s pet projects.  He is convinced that there is some sort of spell in place that enables everyone to understand each other.  I myself cannot find evidence for it, but Jerin insists that the unchanging language used throughout all of our old manuscripts is proof enough.”

“Unchanging language?  You mean that you can read texts from hundreds of years ago and the language is no different than what is used today?” Carson asked, eyes wide.

“Yes.  Jerin says that languages evolve over time and that the spoken language used even one hundred years ago would sound different than the language of today,” Viandir elaborated, “His ideas have caused quite a controversy in our academic circles.  If it wasn’t for Jerin’s late highly respected father, I’m fairly certain that he would be ejected from academia entirely.”

“Yet he was chosen to be among the welcoming party for your heroes,” Carson said.

“He shouldn’t have been there at all,” Leovis snapped, “There were many more applicants who were much more qualified for the position.”

“It took a lot of finagling on both of our parts,” Viandir ignored Leovis, “but we managed to convince the High Council that Jerin was the best choice.  He certainly is the most knowledgeable of us all about the time the Evil One first rose to power.”

“Interesting.  I’ll have to ask Jerin about this when he comes back,” Carson mused.

“Are you sure you don’t want to be a scholar?” Viandir asked, amused.

“Hey, I have no problem with research and other such scholarly pursuits.  But you don’t want a scholar – you want a scribe.  Cassandra’s barding will at least make our story interesting,” Carson said.

“So we’re actually going to go on this… quest?” Rainier asked.

“Well, we certainly can’t stay here,” Katryn said, “I have finals to write in a month.”

“And I don’t think I can get my child support cheques whilst in another world,” Lillian added.

“I can’t stay,” Cassandra said, “There’s no cell signal here!”

“Maybe if it was a space ship I’d stay, but, alas, fantasyland isn’t going to cut it for me.  God only knows how much tv I’m going to miss from this ‘adventure’,” Carson shrugged as Jerin walked back in.

“Okay!  Here’s the aptitude test and MusicTeacher snapped something about the muse striking her and that the Hero must wait her turn.  And then she threw a plant at me,” Jerin said.

“Coolest.  Teacher.  Ever!” Cassandra gasped.

“Well, at least that explains why you have dirt in your hair,” Katryn rolled her eyes as Jerin gave Lillian the test, a bottle of ink and a quill.

“No, no, that’s alright – I’ll just use my pen here,” Lillian tried waving off the ink and quill.

“I’m afraid that you do need to write with this ink, Lillian,” Jerin said apologetically.  He had already confiscated one of Lillian’s ballpoints and had fallen in love.  So much neater and convenient than pen and ink!  He planned on stealing another to give to EngineerGuy, one of the top engineers in the country.  “The magic in the parchment reacts with a spell in the ink to mark itself.”

“Huh.  Sort of like a standardised test with magic then?” Cassandra peered at it closely, “Have fun writing with the dip pen, mom.”

“Thanks,” Lillian said dryly.  “That is very encouraging.”  And, with that, she began to fill out the form.

Everyone was quickly involved in their own pursuits, something that Cassandra was very happy to see.  Her mother, as always, was quickly involved in her project whilst everyone else seemed happy to be doing something they were far more suited for.  Rainier looked positively gleeful to be carrying a sword, Katryn was going through the textbook – well, spellbook as they call it here – and correctin all of the errors.  And Carson?  Carson had managed to garner both Jarin and Viandir’s interests and thre three were embarking on a long discussion about life, the universe and everything.

Well, they were originally.  The discussion got sidetracked once Carson had to explain why the answer to that question is 42.  Viandir and Jerin just couldn’t get it.

And, so, Cassandra looked around sneakily.  No one was paying her the slightest bit attention and she took the opportunity to flee.  Like hell she was going to wait around for a flighty musician to show up – she was going to go explore the city.

Chapter Three

It took awhile for Cassandra to find the exit.  She got out of the room perfectly fine, yes, and made it back to the Sanctum… but finding the exit in what turned out to be a palace sized building?  Kind of difficult.  After wandering around for fifteen minutes, she eventually stumbled upon a tourist group.  She ever so casually snuck into the group and pretended that she was always there.

Surprisingly, it went off without a hitch.  Sure, she got a few odd looks about her clothes, but nobody ever challenged her position in the group.  Well, they were all tourists – people in strange clothing might be a common sight.

After half an hour of incredibly boring lectures on the history of the palace, Cassandra finally got into the lobby and quickly darted towards the door.  Screw the gift shop – there was a whole world out there to explore!

Or, well, maybe just a driveway.  A very, very long driveway.  So Cassandra did what any resourceful teenager would do when confronted with a transportation problem in a crime free city.  She hitchhiked.  All in all, hitchhiking back into the city was pretty easy – just look pretty and a little bit lost and ashamed that you spent all of your money in the gift shop buying a present for your invalid mother who really wanted to come see the palace but ended up bedridden.

Once in the city, Cassandra quickly made her way to the shopping district.  Turns out that, since it is the capital city that runs off of tourism, the local equivalent of the bus system is completely free.  Cassandra suspected that the prices of the items for sale more than made up for the losses garnered by the bus system.

It was then that Cassandra discovered that humans weren’t the only intelligent life on this planet.

-

Silvanus was bored.  It was a pretty slow day for stupid tourists and he hadn’t had much luck with pickpocketting.  At this rate, he wouldn’t be able to buy that new gaming system after all.

You see, normally Silvanus is a pretty high profile thief.  He goes for the big items – art and jewellery – and sells them on the black market.  Problem with that is that is that it is very traceable.  In the last city he was in, Silvanus was nearly caught and he decided that he best lay low for now.  How laying low translated to pick pocketing tourists in the market district of the capital city of CountryName in Silvanus’ mind is a whole ‘nother story.

So.  Silvanus was bored.  That is, until he caught the scent of an unmarked human.  Every cell in his body was vibrating with an unbareable want and he nearly staggered at the intensity of his desire.  He had never felt such a bloodlust before – his more benevolent elven nature tended to balance out the carnage seaking sociopathic vampire self.  This, he though, must be what human vampires always feel like.  God.  If they’re smelling this human too… there will be blood.

And, thus, having come up with a suitable reason to follow the young unmarked female, Silvanus darted hungrily, and sloppily, through the crowd.

It was his sloppiness that became his undoing.

-

Cassandra knew someone was following her.  She couldn’t tell you how she knew; she just knew that she had a tail.  Logically speaking, the people in the palace must have found out that she was missing by now – it was probably just some guards her mother sent after her.

Not wishing to go back just yet, Cassandra darted into an alley and then around behind a stall to double back.  Several minutes after the feeling of danger passed, she finally relaxed and ventured out into the alley only to have her spidey sense to come tingling in on full bore.

There was someone there and their eyes were glowing.  Frightened, Cassandra backed against the wall and out of the light.  A gleaming smile with razor sharp fangs appeared below the glowing eyes.  Cassandra whimpered a bit.  Crime free?  Crime free cities do not have glowy fangy creeps lurking in the alleys!

Cassandra ducked and cringed as the fangy guy pounced… but the thud that soon followed wasn’t due to a body hitting her.  As a shriek and the smell of burning flesh began to fill the air, Cassandra dared to open her eyes.

In front of her, the most gorgeous guy she had ever laid eyes on – and that includes insanely beautiful and airbrushed movie stars – was holding a man’s hand in the sunlight – a smoking man’s hand.

“Holy crap!  Is that a vampire?” Cassandra gasped.

“A human vampire, yes,” the gorgeous man smiled, revealing a mouth with rather elongated incisors. “I’m afraid that he’s been overcome with bloodlust – you should be careful if you’re going to wander around unmarked like that.  You should stay in the sunlight.”

“I, uh, will keep that in mind,” Cassandra stuttered as Silvanus leaned forward and murmured something in the vampire’s ear.  He then released the man with a rather violent shove.

“Go.  And don’t you dare show your face anywhere near mine again,” Silvanus growled as the vampire fled.

“Wow.  I thought vampires slept during the day,” Cassandra said dumbly.

“Most do,” Silvanus said, “It doesn’t make sense to sleep during the night when the sunlight literally burns the flesh off of your bones.  There’s always a few wandering around during the daylight hours, however.  Mostly the homeless like the one that assaulted you.”

“Oh.  Not to be rude, but who are you?” Cassandra asked.

“I am Silvanus of Desirea,” Silvanus bowed slightly, “And, if I may be so bold, who might you be?”

“Cassandra LastName,” Cassandra said, staring as she got her first good look at Silvanus.  His ears were rather big.  And pointed.  “Holy crap, are you an elf?”

“Yes.  An elven vampire, to be precise,” Silvanus answered slowly.  He was unsure of why Cassandra didn’t already know this – it is not like elves or vampires are particularly uncommon in CountryName after all.  But, then again, her manner of dress and her wandering around unmarked was a certain sign that she was a foreigner.  A very foreign foreigner.

“But… you’re standing in the sunlight,” Cassandra stated slowly.

“Yes.  My elven physiology functions as a partial cure to vampirism – I do not possess nearly as strong of a bloodlust as the human vampires do and I can daywalk,” Silvanus explained.

“Wow.  Um, you’re not going to try and bite my head off, are you?” Cassandra asked nervously.

“No, of course not.  But I suggest that you stay with me – a human vampire would not be able to control himself around one such as yourself and there are not many elven vampires around to protect you,” Silvanus said magnanimously.

“Um, okay,” Cassandra said, still looking quite spooked.

“I should probably take you home.  Where are you staying?” Silvanus asked.

“Ummm… the palace?” Cassandra said.

“Are you serious?  You… you’re one of the Heroes, aren’t you!” Silvanus stared, eyes wide and completely shocked.

“Uh, maybe?” Cassandra said nervously.

“Then I must take you back safely,” Silvanus said gallantly, if a little over the top and patently against his nature.  “I shall flag us down a taxi.”

“Um, thanks?”  Cassandra said meekly.  How was she going to explain to her mother that she managed to pick up an elven vampire on her unlicensed trip to the city?

–

“No, no, no!” Katryn said angrily, “You can’t do it like that – the units don’t cancel!  You have to do it this way… and your value for gravity is totally wrong!  9.81 m/s is far more accurate than 10!”

“Yes, but when you’re in a hurry, like if you are in a battle situation – which you will be in, by the way – you can’t take out your slide rule and calculate those numbers fast enough,” Poehr shouted back.  “War magic isn’t about accuracy and fine control; it is about causing as much damage as possible!”

“Who the hell still uses slide rules?” Katryn scoffed, “Situations like these are why I carry a graphing calculator on me at all times.”

“…Please tell me that you have a graphing calculator in your apron,” Carson said, “That would be so hot.”

Katryn ignored him and whipped the calculator out, “See, I have all common fundamental constants stored in here to the most accurate digit – to calculate the normal force I’d just have to type in this and press this button and… voila, the answer!”

Poehr stared.

“What?”

“You… just solved that equation to five significant figuress in ten seconds,” He said haltingly.

“Um, yes?” Katryn said, “It’s physics 101 stuff.”

“…May I have that calculator?” Poehr asked.

“Absolutely not!  I paid 200 bucks for it!” Katryn snatched it away from Poehr and held it close to her chest.

“Wow, you really went for the best model available, didn’t you?” Carson whistled.

“Well, yes, you never know when such a thing will be necessary,” Katryn said.

“At a grocery store?  Just about never,” Carson snorted.

“You’d be surprised.  People often don’t believe me when I calculate their discount in my head.  Whipping out the calculator to confirm my answer generally shuts them up quick,” Katryn says.  “At least, it shuts them up quicker than it did when I just carried a 20 dollar scientific calculator on me.”

“And here I thought that I was bad buying the 50 dollar Wolfram|Alpha iPhone app.  I’m still not entirely certain why I bought it…” Carson trailed off as Katryn’s eyes lit up.

“Oooh!  You absolutely have to let me play with that sometime!  Quick – turn the batteries off on your iPhone – I might need that app someday and I’d prefer it to be available,” Katryn commanded.  Carson just shrugged and turned the phone off.  It is not like he needed it on – he certainly wouldn’t be receiving any calls or texts anymore.

“You,” Poehr, “Will make an excellent war sorcerer.  Are you certain that I can’t see that calculator, just for a little bit?”

“Ugh, here, you can take the scientific one,” Katryn rolled her eyes and pulled out another calculator and tossed it to him.

“…Okay, that just went from hot to pretty damn sad,” Carson said.  “I can almost, almost see carrying around a graphing calculator but carrying around a graphing calculator and a scientific one?  Isn’t that overkill?”

“Not really.  It’s just that these pockets are bottomless pits – what comes in does not go out,” Katryn said.  “I’ve got pieces of paper with work schedules from a year ago written on them in here.”

“And that’s not sad how?” Carson asked. Katryn opened her mouth to reply but was cut off by Rainier.

“We found Cassandra,” he said.  “And she’s safe.  And with an elven vampire of all things.”

“An elven vampire?” Carson asked, “This I’ve got to see!”

“Ha!  Ten bucks says that she’s in lust with him – she was buying the damned Twilight soundtrack right before we all got sucked through,” Katryn said as she strode through the door.  Carson followed close behind and the two trailed after Rainier.

Poehr stayed behind and played with the calculator, fascinated.

–

When Lillian first realised that Cassandra had gone missing (coincidently, it was about 10 seconds after she finished the last answer of the aptitude test), she panicked for about thirty seconds.  After that, she got mad.  Very, very mad.  She had stormed up to Viandir, yelled at him for a minute and then whipped around and yelled at the rest of the room for another two.

Scary.

Very scary.

She swiftly bullied Viandir into organising a search party for her baby girl, whom was to suffer a long and painful death once she got her hands on the little bugger, and would have spearheaded the charge herself if it wasn’t for the fact that she didn’t know the lay of the land.  Instead, she was stuck in the war room of the palace.  And there, she paced.  And paced.  And paced.

When, an hour after the search began, Cassandra came back of her own violation, Lillian just about lost it.  Swears, insults and queries about one’s parentage were exchanged as Cassandra and Lillian bawled each other out for being controlling and overprotective or reckless and entirely stupid.

Persumably they were arguing in a locked, soundproofed room.

Rainier, Carson, Katryn, Viandir, Silvanus and Jerin, however, could hear every word from the hall.

“Now I really want to know what she scored on the aptitude test,” Carson said revently, “surely it must be something epic.”

Viandir smiled.  “She scored the highest in the healing arts.”  The other four stared.

“Okay,” Carson said slowly, “I guess I can almost see that.  I had this scary dentist once who yelled at me that I wasn’t brushing my teeth good enough.  God knows what he’s on – it is not like I have any cavities or anything.”

“I don’t think I want her treating me,” Katryn said as a particularily creative insult was heard through the door in Lilian’s distinctive tone.  She turned to the elf curiously, “So you’re the elven vampire?”

“Yes.  I am Silvanus,” He said, eyes darting around rapidly.  All of these riches!  Surely they would not notice if he swiped a spoon or two.

“So how does that work – being an elven vampire, I mean?” Carson asked.

“I don’t have as strong of a bloodlust and I can walk in the sun,” Silvanus said.  Again.  It was rather boring to have to repeat himself to all of these humans, but, well, at least they only got to hear about the upsides of his vampirism.

“Basically he’s an elf that drinks blood,” Jerin said.

Okay, so maybe they do get to hear about the downsides.

“As an elf, he’s already faster and stronger than humans can ever be.  But when you factor in the vampirism, he’s actually rather weak and slow for an elf.  Vampirism is truly a curse in every aspect for the elvenkin,” Jerin explained.

Katryn laughed, “Wow, that sucks!”

Silvanus frowned. “I could still snap your neck like a chopstick, human.”

“Yeah, well, I could beat you over the head with this… stick,” Katryn shot back weakly.

“If you would stop arguing with Poehr over semantics, you could be blasting him with magic,” Viandir said disapprovingly.  “I know that it goes against your nature, but time is of the essence.  The same goes for you, Carson.  You need to spend less time on academic pursuits and more on the practical applications of your knowledge.”

“If I wanted to work on practical applications, I would have gone into engineering,” Katryn sniffed, “I’m a physicist because I want to work out impossible, but ultimately pretty pointless, problems.”

“I promise you, once you beat the Dark Lord, you can spend as much time as you like on research.  I am sure that the sorcerers would be happy if you stayed for awhile,” Viandir persuaded.

Katryn paused and pondered, “Alright.  But I expect full access to all of your data once I fry the bugger.”

Carson shrugged, “Sounds good to me.”

“You do realise that you are going to have to mark them if you seriously expect them to go on the Destined Quest,” Silvanus said, “I mean, being so close to five unmarked humans is… intoxicating.”

Viandir frowned.  “Control yourself, elf, or you’ll be forced to leave.”

“Oh, don’t worry.  It isn’t my control that I doubt.  It is the control of the human vampires.  I already stopped one from draining Cassandra today,” Silvanus said silkily.

“They can’t be marked,” Jerin said bluntly, “It’s pretty clear from the old texts that evil can only be defeated by those that are pure.  Anyone marked is tainted by the vampiric curse.”

“Oh, well.  Good luck leaving the palace grounds then,” Silvanus smirked.

“They won’t have any trouble travelling throughout CountryName, Silvanus,” Viandir smiled.

“I doubt that.  As much as the human vampires would like to seethe Dark Lord gone as well, they can’t control themselves around such tasty meat as those five,” Silvanus shrugged.

“They won’t have any trouble because you’re travelling with them to protect,” Viandir’s smile grew wider.

“Uh, what?  No way.  I’ve read the Prophecy and Its Interpretations.  There’s an ice dragon in that quest!” Silvanus backed away.

“I don’t think you understand, Silvanus.  It is either that or the stocks,” Viandir pulled a file folder and handed it to Silvanus.  His pale features whitened even further as he read the contents.

“And if I go with them?” Silvanus asked.

“This file, and all the others like it, will mysteriously find their way into an open fireplace,” Viandir smiled beatifically as he took the file folder back.  “Glad to have you onboard.”  Silvanus said nothing.  It was a moment of awkward silence as everyone simultaneously tried to look at someone and not look at them at the same time.

Carson was the one to break it.  “Hey, it’s quiet!”

“Wow,” Katryn said, “That is truly observant.”

Carson shot her a dirty look.  “No, I mean that the shouting has stopped.  Do you think it is safe to go inside?”

“If you really wish to find out… be my guest,” Katryn gestured dramatically.

“That the Prophesised Heroes were predicted to be… younger.” The short man hedged.

“What, like Narnia young?” Carson asked.  The men in hats just stared at him.  “You know… eight to fourteen years old?”

“Um, yes.  I suppose that the Sorcerer is in the right age range, however.” The small man smiled hopefully.

“Uh, nuh uh buddy!  I’m fifteen – I know how to drive!” Cassandra stuck out her tongue whilst her mother snorted.

“As long as you don’t have to parallel park, that is.  The last time you attempted to do so, you hit the curb so hard you knocked the tires out of alignment.”

“It wasn’t that bad!” Cassandra protested.

“Oh, really?  I have a one hundred dollar bill that says otherwise.” Lillian started digging through her purse for her receipts.

“Mom, don’t get out the receipts.  Seriously, not cool.” Cassandra smacked her mom’s hand.  “Besides, hello?  Parkades?  Who needs to know how to parallel park?” Cassandra rolled her eyes.

“You.  So you can pass your driver’s exam.”  Lillian riposted.

“I’ll just drive without a license then,” Cassandra shrugged.

“Or not.”

Cassandra snorts, “Oh, like you can stop me.”

“I’m your mother – of course I can stop you!” Lillian snapped.

“Unlikely – my mother never stopped me from doing anything,” Carson grinned, “How about you Katryn?”

The men in hats, except for the unconscious one and the one in the headlock, just stared.  The short one opened his mouth to speak again but was quickly cut off by Katryn.

“I never did anything that my mother would disprove of, thank you very much.” Katryn said superciliously.

“God you must have been a boring teenager.  Either that or your mother was very liberal,” Carson said.

“A bit of both, actually,” Katryn said.

The five men in hats, except for the one headlocked by Rainier and the one lying on the ground unconscious, exchanged nervous looks.  This bickering was most certainly not what they expected from their Heroes.

“So, uh, are you guys going to go save the world now?” The cynical man in a hat asked.

“Not sure.  What does this world saving involve?”  Carson asked.

“Nothing big – just defeating the armies of darkness,” He shrugged.

“Oh-kay.  Count me out,” Katryn said.  “This is interesting and all, but I’ve got a lab write up due tomorrow.  I’ve really got to get going.  Can you send us back to Earth now please?”

“That is, assuming that we’re not on a drug trip,” Carson added.

“Drug trip?” Katryn asked.

“Yeah, y’know, goin’ through the not-Stargate, ending up in a cathedral with awesome acoustics and crazy art.  It certainly has drug trip potential,” Carson explained.

“Oh yeah, I totally see what you mean,” Cassandra exclaimed, “The first time I tried pot everything was so not right, you know?  Just a little bit off.  And I was kind of hungry.”

“Cassandra!  Drugs?!” Lillian exclaimed.

“Oh, chill mom!  Clearly you’re on them too since you’re seeing the same cathedral!” Cassandra gestured wildly at the surroundings.

“Um, yeah, I don’t think you’re on drugs,” the cynic butted in.

“Well that’s good,” Katryn said, “I don’t even drink and I’d rather keep my body drug free.”

“Dude, you were the boringest teenager ever, weren’t you!” Cassandra pointed and laughed a bit.

“I was not!” Katryn shot back.

“Did you go to any parties at all?” Carson nudged her.

“No.  No I did not.” Katryn raised an eyebrow. “Watching a bunch of people drink until they pass out is not my idea of a fun time.”

“Boringest teenager ever.  Oh, and you’re supposed to join them in the attempt to acquire alcohol poisoning.  FYI.” Carson nodded sagely.

“Thanks ever so much for the advice,” Katryn rolled her eyes.

“Oh, look at the time!” The short man suddenly exclaimed, “We’re behind schedule!  We must move onto the next room.  Oh, and Rainier?  Could you please remove Name from that headlock?”

“Are we still on a homicidal rampage?” Rainier asked slowly.

“Oh, no, I figure that we can just let the redhead to go free in the city.”

“Or you could send me home,” Katryn said.

“I’m afraid we are unable to send people off of our world ever since the Time of Darkness began.  You will have to wait until the Heroes Defeat The Evil One so our lands will be Free Once More.” The short man nodded sagely.  Carson and Cassandra grinned wildly as his hat finally fell off.  The corners of Katryn’s lips may have turned upwards in the slightest of smiles, but the lighting was too poor to tell.  Flushing brightly, the man grabbed his hat off of the ground and jammed it on his head.  “This way!”

Carson flashed a smirk at Katryn.  “You hear that?  Matter really can only go one way through a wormhole!”

“Black hole.  And apparently it can since the inability for it to do so is a new development!” Katryn snapped, hurrying after the short man.

“A thousand years is a new development?” Cassandra asked.  “Cuz I would think that that was a reaaally long time ago.”

“Not in astrophysics,” Katryn smiled, her face suddenly animated, “After all, some of the starlight we see is billions of years old.  Well, see with a telescope.”

“The Hubble?” Carson asked as the left the cathedral area by a small, plain door.

“Actually, the star, galaxy rather, I was thinking about was found with the VLT.” Katryn grinned.

“Ohmigod, nerd!” Cassandra said.

“No, really?  I’m a physics student – what did you think?” Katryn rolled her eyes as the party left the corridor and entered a much smaller and inviting room.

“Please, everyone, take a seat,” the short man said magnanimously, “Except for you, redhead,” he exclaimed when Katryn went to sit down.  “You don’t get a seat.”

“I have a name, you know.  It’s even written down and normally pinned to my apron for everyone to see,” Katryn snapped, “And why can I not sit down?  There are clearly exactly as many chairs as people.”

“Of course there isn’t – there are eleven people and we only have enough chairs for ten – the proper number.” The short man snapped back.

“You may want to count again – I’m fairly certain that there are only ten people here,” Katryn raised her eyebrows as the short man did a quick headcount.

“Jerin!  The prophet is missing – go find him!” The short man commanded.

“Good luck with that,” Katryn called out as Jerin left, “He’s marvellous at disappearing, especially if he has paint thinner to protect.”  Katryn frowned at everyone staring at her.  “What?  We called social services on him once – he was gone before we hung up the phone.”

“I’m certain that Jerin will have no problem with finding the Prophet.” The short man said patiently, “Meanwhile – hey!  I said you couldn’t sit down!”

“Nine people.  Ten chairs.  I’m sitting – I’ve been on my feet for three hours,” Katryn stretched out her legs and slouched.

“Jeeze, don’t you get coffees?” Carson wrinkled his nose.

“She’d have to – labour laws require fifteen minute break every four hours,” Rainier said.

“And an additional half hour break for every six hours,” Lillian added.

“See mom!  I told you it was a horrible idea for me to work at the grocery store – they abuse their employees!” Cassandra said gleefully.

“Uh, well, yeah they do treat us like shit but we do get our required breaks.  I just prefer taking my last coffee an hour before my shift is done.  Which, incidentally, is right now.” Katryn shrugged.  “I wonder if they’ll pay me for this.”

“If we’re done talking to the redhead – “

“Katryn.”

“The redhead, I would like to tell you about your Destinies.” The short man sniffed.

“Even mine?” Katryn couldn’t resist asking.

“You don’t have one.  As I was saying – “

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what is your name?” Lillian cut in.

“I, uh, will you all stop interrupting me!  My name is Leovis, he is Weorn,” Leovis gestures to the big man with the tiny hat, “Jerin just left, Peohr is still unconscious and Viandir is the man to my left.”

“So much for gender equality,” Katryn muttered.  Lillian hid a snicker behind her hand.

“I’ll have you know that our Prime Minister is a woman,” Leovis sniffed.

“Technically, up until five years ago, she was a man,” Weorn added helpfully.

“Oh-kay, slightly more liberal than Earth then,” Lillian said.

“Slightly?” Katryn asked.

“My god!  Don’t you people ever stay on topic?” Leovis shrieked.

“Uhm, no?” Carson said.

“Oh relax already, Leovis.  You really need to learn to calm down,” Viandir said.  Cassandra boggled.

“He talks?!”  She asked.

“Yes, yes I do talk.” Viandir said sagely.

“Oh.  I thought you were, like, a mute or something,” Cassandra said dully.

“Cassandra!”  Lillian said shortly.

“Or, y’know, took a vow of silence.  Whichever,” Cassandra said, ignoring her mother entirely.

“No, no, I just only talk if it is absolutely necessary,” Viandir explained.

“Oh.  Weird,” Cassandra said.

“You can learn a lot from listening,” Rainier admonished.

“Uh, hello?  That’s why I go to school!” Cassandra rolled her eyes.

“Then maybe you should actually do your homework sometime instead of just talking on that phone with you friends day and night?” Lillian snarked.

“You are all Destined, except for the redhead, to Save the World from the Dark Menace that has been Plagueing us for a Millenia,” Leovis quickly starting talking over everyone else in the room.  “You each have a Role to play – an Important Role which was already Assigned as you came through the portal.”

“So, blah blah blah standard fantasy fare?” Carson snickered.

“This is very important, Scholar – you should be taking notes!  That is your role!” Leovis thrust a quill and parchment at him.

“Yeah, no thanks.  I was never really all that good at that even with a ballpoint and a notebook,”  Carson shrugged and placed the parchment and quill on the end table next to his chair.

“But, you must!  That is your Role!” Leovis sputtered.  Lillian sighed and pulled a notepad and a biro out of her purse.

“How about I just take the damned notes and we just move on already?”

“I, but… no!  He is the scholar, not you!” Leovis was turning red and frothing a little bit.

“Dude, copying down notes is a scribe, not a scholar.  Scholars do research and, um, stuff,” Carson protested.

“Excuses, excuses,” Katryn smirked, “Scholars have to write down plenty of notes and you know it.”

“Yeah, well, my profs made it really easy to get away with not taking notes – posting stuff online is way useful you know?” Carson grinned.

“Useful?  It just encourages people to not show up for class!” Katryn exclaimed.

“Yeah, like I said – useful!” Carson grinned unrepentantly.

“God, did you even finish your degree?” Katryn rolled her eyes.

“Yes.  With honours.” Carson raised his eyebrows challengingly.

“In?” Katryn raised one of her own in retaliation.  She pulled  the look off far better than Carson.

“Anthropology.” Carson said.

“Ah.  That’d be why – arts degrees don’t require all that much work,” Katryn said sagely.

“Hey!  I had to write two or three papers a class each semester!” Carson protested.

“Try three hours of labs a week per class, plus homework plus lab write-ups,” Katryn shot back.

“AND YOU WILL FULFILL YOUR DESTINIES by Travelling to Mount Ominous to Defeat the Evil Lord in his Stronghold,” Spittle flew out of Leovis’ mouth as he shouted.

“Of Evil?” Cassandra asked.

“Yes.  Of Evil.  I’m glad someone is taking this seriously,” Leovis smiled at Cassandra.

“Yeah.  Not really.  Why would we storm his stronghold?  Would it be strong?  And holdy?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to lure him outside and ambush him?” Cassandra asked sarcastically.

“No.  That was not Prophesied,” Leovis adamantly said.

“Then your prophecy is stupid.  Nobody rushes an enemy stronghold like that unless they’re bloody stupid,” Cassandra swished her hair out of her face and then added thoughtfully, “Or Frodo.”

“You know what I’ve never understood about Lord of the Rings?  Why those giant doom birds didn’t fly them over Mount Doom,” Carson said.

“Because it was the Brown Wizard’s bird and Saurumon sent him to taunt Gandalf.  But then they realised what was up so the bird went back to save Gandalf and then the Brown Wizard died and Gandalf couldn’t summon the bird until he became Gandalf the White and – what?  Why are you all looking at me like that for?” Cassandra stared back.

“If only she could apply that memory to her schoolwork,” Lillian sighed melodramatically.

“That… is just entirely ridiculous,” Katryn said, eyes wide.

“And that is why I do not read high fantasy,” Carson said.

“Okay, yes, it’s a bit convoluted but it makes perfect sense!” Cassandra vowed.

“I’ll… take your word for that,” Katryn said slowly.

“I rather liked the movies,” Rainier said, “they were certainly more tolerable than the novels.”

“But they’re still hideously long.  Ever try watching the directors cut?  So many hours of my life – wasted,” Carson sighed.

“I thought you didn’t like high fantasy?” Cassandra asked.

“I don’t.  But my girlfriend at the time did.  Concessions were made – Star Wars marathon – a proper one where Han shoots first and no prequels – in exchange for a LotR marathon,” Carson explained.

“Will you ever be quiet and let me explain your Destinies?” Leovis begged.

“Nope.  What is it?  We each do the stuff our ‘roles’ tell us to do and walk on an epically circular route and eventually kill the dark lord in his inner sanctum?” Cassandra asked.

“Um…” Leovis trailed off as Jerin walked back in.

“Yes, that’s the gist of it,” Jerin said, “Pretty stupid, hey?  I mean, you have to walk everywhere when we have magicmobiles.”

“Jerin!  Do not disrespect the Prophecy!” Leovis said angrily, “And where is the Prophet?”

“Why shouldn’t I?  It was written a thousand years ago – times have changed, Leovis,” Jerin shrugged, “As for the Prophet… couldn’t find him.  I got the healers to look after Peohr, though.”

“You lost the Prophet?!” Leovis shrieked.

“Told you he was a slippery bugger,” Katryn grinned.

“Hey, I didn’t lose him – I just couldn’t find him,” Jerin clarified.

Leovis huffed and added, “The Prophecy took in account of the changing times!  They must travel in that particular route so that they can Defeat the Ice Dragon – “

“Wait wait wait… Ice dragon?” Carson asked.

“And the Dread Troll, the Carnivorous Island, the – “

“How long is this supposed to take?” Lillian asked.

Leovis said nothing.

“It doesn’t specify that,” Jerin said.

“Sounds like it will take longer than my coffee,” Katryn said.

“I think you’ve already used up those fifteen minutes,” Carson replied.

“Where should we begin?” Rainier asked.

“Why, with training, of course!” Leovis clapped his hands, “That is why we are here!”

“Oh, great.  I get out of school just to attend another one,” Cassandra sighed.

Chapter 2

Katryn leaned back with a smile.  For once, being ‘that redhead’ was a benefit rather than a curse.  Right now, since she wasn’t one of the prophesised ones, she just got to kick back, relax and watch as four ‘destined ones’ got to learn their trades.

It really was quite hilarious – Lillian was currently trying to lift a sword, let along swing it, almost as big as her whilst Carson somehow managed to splatter ink up his arms and onto his face.  Rainier looked incredibly bored and half asleep as Viandir droned on about leadership rhetoric.  And Cassandra?  Cassandra was holding a staff and stabbing a book with a pencil as Peohr looked on.

It was 7:05 PM on a Friday evening and Katryn had 55 minutes left of her shift.  It was a long shift.  A very long and painful shift and her current customer wasn’t making the time go any shorter.  The items had to be bagged just so, the weight had to be distributed absolutely perfectly and the milk?  Triple bagged.

When Katryn bagged the last item and finally hit the total button she took it as a sign.  A sign, quite possibly, from God.  Unless, of course, it was the Devil who gave those kinds of signs.

The total?

Six hundred and sixty six dollars even.

“Six six six!” Katryn smiled her first real smile in hours to the customer.

“Uh,” the woman said, “Could I have a package of gum?”

Katryn sighed.  Of course, the woman wouldn’t be able to handle having a total come up to $666.00.  Of course not.  She’d have to be one of those customers.

The next few customers looked no better – a giant scary man, a guy who looked scrawny (or maybe it was only in comparison to the 6’4 behemoth) who was clutching a copy of season 4.5 of Battlestar Galatica and edging away from the old drunk guy behind him.

‘Oh,’ Katryn thought, ‘It’s the drunk paint thinner guy again.  This day just keeps getting better.’

“Any particular choice of flavours or brands?” Katryn snarked to the perfectionist woman.

“Why yes.  Trident.  Spearmint.”

“Mom, I don’t think she was serious.  She can’t even reach the gum from where she was standing.” The woman’s teenage daughter rolled her eyes dramatically and swished her hair out of her eyes.  “To save you the trip, you could always just put my CD through with the groceries.”

“Cassandra, I am not paying for your damned vampire soundtrack,” the woman snapped.  Suddenly Katryn liked her a little more than she did 30 seconds ago.

“It’s not just a vampire soundtrack, Mom, it’s the Twi-“

At that moment an interdimesional portal opened right in front of the line at Till Six and, sadly, Cassandra’s rebuttal would never be heard on Earth because, well, Cassandra was no longer on Earth.  Fortunately, her mother didn’t have long to panic as she was dragged into the portal.  In just as rapid of a sequence, the next three customers in Katryn’s line were sucked in as well.

For the first time in Katryn’s knowledge, the entire front end of the supermarket was dead silent.  Well, except for that ever present cry of a small child but apparently nothing could shut up children.  Not even the apocalypse.

Whilst her customers were mute with horror, Katryn was almost bursting with excitement.

“It almost looks like a black hole!” she exclaimed, “Well, as much as a black hole, which light cannot bounce off of, could ‘look’ like.  But it isn’t sucking in matter… or light… or anything other than those five people.  Curious.”  Katryn couldn’t resist hopping over her till and getting a closer look.

“If you get close enough, it does appear that light is travelling through it,” Katryn leaned closer still, “I wonder if matter gets close enough I will get sucked thro- “

It turns out that Katryn’s words would not be heard on Earth either.

Chapter One

“Do you think they will come?”  A man in a very large and ornate hat asked.

“They have to come.  It is Prophesized.”  A second man in an even larger and more ornate hat glared at the disbeliever.

“Yes, but nobody is co-”

“-light sound – huh?”  Cassandra’s eyes widened in fright as they quickly darted around.  This most certainly wasn’t the super market.  The ceiling, for one, was too high, the room way too large and, the last Cassandra had checked, they generally did not look like cathedrals.

Also, she had never seen as few as five people in a super market before.

“Um, wha?  Who?  How?!  What’s going on here?”

“Such curiosity,” the man in the smallest hat said, “She must be the sorcerer.  All hail the sorcerer!”

“ALL HAIL THE SORCERER!” The other four men echoed as Cassandra’s mother tumbled into the room.

“Cassandra!  What did you do?” She snapped.

“I didn’t do anything mom, god!  Why do you think that everything is always my fault?!”  Cassandra snapped back.

“I don’t know, probably because it usually is!”  Cassandra’s mother grabbed her child and shook her.

“Such passion!  Such anger!  All hail the warrior!”  The man in the small hat, who was also the largest man in the room, proclaimed as an even bigger man stumbled through the portal.

“ALL HAIL THE WARRIOR!”

Cassandra’s mother paused and looked at the five men in hats.  “Cassandra,” she asked, “Who are these men?”

“Fuck if I know mom!”  Cassandra rolled her eyes again.

“Don’t speak to your mother that way!”  Her mother snapped back then turned to the strangers.  “Hullo.  I’m Lillian LastName and who might you be?”

“Ma’am, my name is Rainier,” The big man nodded gravely at her.  Lillian smiled up at him, smitten.

“Oh, I know who you are.  I’m a big fan of football, you see,” Lillian dimpled.

“Say no more,” Rainier smiled slightly at her.  As Cassandra started gagging, a fourth person was spat out of the portal.

“Woah.  I wonder if that’s what travelling through the Stargate would be like!” He said with a grin as he looked around.  “This place is so cool – I mean, look at those hats!”

“He must by the scholar and Rainier must be the leader,” the man in the smallest hat said, completely overwhelmed, “All hail the leader!  All hail the scholar!”

“ALL HAIL THE LEADER!  ALL HAIL THE SCHOLAR!”

“Dude!  Awesome acoustics!” The shaggy haired man exclaimed as the old drunk rammed into him from behind.  “Whoa!  Watch out for the dvds!”  The old drunk just mumbled in reply and clutched onto his paint thinner.

“And that,” the man in the hat exclaimed, “Is the prophet!  All hail the prophet!”

“ALL HAIL THE PROPHET!”

“Hey, why does he get to be the prophet?  I’m the one named after one!  And Cassandra’s life bore a remarkable similarity to mine – nobody bloody well listens despite the fact that I’m always right!”

Lillian snorted, “Hardly.  Nobody listens to you because every other word out of your mouth is ‘eee Team Edward’!”

“Dude, mom, I so do not support Team Edward!  Jacob is so much better!” Cassandra snapped.

“What’s the difference?  They’re all sparkly ‘vampire’ pretty boys,” the messy haired man snircked.

“He’s a werewolf!”

“But still a pretty boy!”

“Are we sure these are the Prophesized ones?” The doubtful man in the hat asked.

“Hush, yes!  They came through the portal so they are the ones.” The man in the biggest hat hissed, “Close it down!”  And, at that, Katryn stepped through.

“-ough.  Oh.  Apparently it will.” Katryn blinked, nonplussed.  The men in hats stared.  The messy haired man beamed and whirled around.

“Hi Katryn!  I’m Carson!”

Katryn paused, stared at Carson, looked down and ripped off her name badge.  “I hate these things.”  She looked around, curious.  “Where are we?”

“Well, that is some sort of wormhole… or a blackhole.  So I’m thinking that we’re either on another planet, dimension or alternate timeline.” Carson grinned.

“The odds of a stable wormhole – or whatever that was – appearing on Earth, taking in a certain amount of matter and depositing all of us safely on another planet or an alternate Earth is, well…” Katryn trailed off.

“Astronomical?”

“I was trying not to be cliché.”

“She’s not supposed to be here!  It was not Prophesized!” The shortest man in a hat suddenly screeched and pointed at Katryn.

“Do you know what the odds of a prophecy being one hundred percent correct are?”  Katryn asked rhetorically.

“Astronomical?”  Carson grinned.  Katryn glared.

“Send her back through!” The five men in hats rushed forward and tried to grab Katryn who quickly ran away.

“Hey, whoa!  Don’t!  Matter can only go one way through a wormhole!” Carson grabbed at one of the men in hats.  Rainier had tackled one of the others, swiftly knocked him out and was chasing down a second.

“Wait, what?  Where on earth did you get that idea?  Total nonsense!”  Katryn yelled.

“Dude, haven’t you seen Stargate?” Carson exclaimed.

“No,” Katryn replied.

“It only ran for 10 seasons and produced two movies and two spin offs!  Seriously, how have you not seen the show?”

“I don’t watch sci-fi.”  Katryn yelped as the big man in a hat grabbed her arm and started dragging her towards the portal.

“Hey!  Get your hands off of her!” Carson grabbed onto Katryn and tried pulling her away from the big man.  He had absolutely no success.  “So why don’t you watch sci-fi?”

“They get the math wrong.”  Katryn stomped on the big man’s foot whilst Rainier started to pull her away from him.

“But it is not about the math!” Carson gasped as Katryn was flung back into him after Rainier got her free.  He promptly twisted Katryn’s assailant into a headlock.

“Care to tell us what is going on here?” He asked softly.

“That was… amazing,” Lillian sighed.

“Ew, mom!”

“Well, you see… one thousand years ago a Great and Ancient Evil befell our lands.  A Dark Lord spread his Army of Evil across country and shadowed the sky with Dark Cumulus Clouds of Ominous Evil.” The short man started.

“Is he seriously talking in capitals,” Carson murmured into Katryn’s ear.  Katryn leaned away from him and wrinkled her nose.

“And So It Was Prophesised that Five Great Heroes would Come From Another World And Save Us All by Fulfilling Their Destinies,” the short man finished.

“That’s it?”  Cassandra asked, “Usually these prophecies are a bit… longer.”

“Well, it did say that the Heroes were supposed to be a bit… younger.” The disbelieving man added.

“Shhh!  The Prophecy must have been interoperated wrong!” The short man hushed as Lillian squawked in outrage.

“What does that mean?!”

Seriously.

I mean, look at how many comics I want to do RIGHT NOW (and, conversely, look at how many I am doing) and the picture is pretty clear that I have more ideas and stories to tell than I have time.  Ironically, I could probably tell them all without difficulties if I could just focus on one idea at a time.

Maybe I should start making  a list and then prioritise the stories I want to tell.  Clearly my current system of working on whatever I want whenever I want isn’t working for me.  Actually, yeah, I think I am going to do that.

Number one priority?  NaNo ‘09.  Why?  Well, I have a month to write up an outline and the crunch is beginning to get to me – especially since I decided to change my mind on what I wanted to write about.

Yeah.

I told you I did that a lot.

Original plan:  Write up some backstory for Alexander and Tawny and a bit of Liam and Renée’s.  Tawny and Renée are minor characters in the story-with-Cae-set-in-the-Caeverse, though Renée has her own story set in the Caeverse and Tawny’s is, obviously, tied to Alexander’s.

Alexander is Caelan’s partner, by the way.  And Liam is her love interest as well as Alexander’s older brother.

But, then, a couple of days ago I was struck with inspiration and, goddammit, I was going to write something else as my NaNo novel.  It was going to be a fantasy satire and be as ridiculous as possible.

Long story short?  I’m going to write about five people (and a sixth, who was a mistake) who were dragged into a fantasy world to Fulfill Their Destinies.  How were the chosen?  Well, they were in line at till ten on October tenth at ten AM in the year 2010, of course.

The sixth character pulled through was the cashier.  She was fascinated by the black hole that dragged the customers through (especially since it wasn’t actually behaving like a proper black hole) and accidentally got too close to the event horizon.  I’m thinking about naming her Kathryn (or some other spelling of the name) after Kathryn Janeway.  They’re both physicists, you see.  Even though I’m none too fond of the spelling Kathryn.

Of course, following that logic, I decided to sorta base the physical appearance of all of my main characters off of actors – Kate Mulgrew, obviously, for the physicist, Rufus Sewell for the sci-fi nerd, Christopher Judge for the football player, Allison Scagliotti for the angsty teen and Amanda Tapping for the single mother.  It’s all entirely arbitrary and I’m not even sure why I’m writing this way – I have never based the physical appearances of my characters off of an actor before.

Oh well.  It’s not like I’m going to describe the sci-fi nerd as ‘the guy who looks like Rufus’ in the text after all.  Besides, I prefer vague descriptions – Katryn (hmmm, that was a typo but maybe I will call her Katryn) would be described as a short redhead with blue grey eyes.  Incidentally, that can also be a description for the lovely Dana Scully.  And Scully’s B.Sc. is in physics.  AND her middle name is Katherine.  Oh ho I can put in even more references to things!

Enough about the characters – I wanna talk about plot now.

Not that I really have a plot.  Basically, it boils down to them being dragged through the not-quite-a black hole, suffering through a pretentious and ridiculous ceremony in which the all get assigned arbitrary roles that do not suit them (the teenager, Cassandra I think, is declared the leader and the sci fi geek the warrior) and other such nonsense.  Then they have to travel to the Mount Doom parody on foot (despite the fact that there is far more efficient ways of travelling, but the prophecy was written 1000 years ago and it Must Be Followed) and run into a vampire elf ,whom Cassandra falls in love with, along the way.  Katryn and the sci fi geek snark and fight with each other, the single mom dotes on the football player and the old drunk guy disappears entirely.

Eventually, when they do get to Mount Doom (seriously, what is up with that name?  It is so lame it hurts), they determine that the Ultimate Evil has been dead for, oh, 970 odd years and the drunk guy shows up again, trips over a switch and turns off the mechanism that makes the volcano spew smoke and gases.

And, thus, the world is saved and the Heroes Return To Earth… along with the elven vampire.

Do you know what I need?

A map.

All good high fantasy novels need maps so clearly I need one to.

On that note… goodnight.